Sense and Femininity

Mercy

2011-12-12T09:26:00.001-08:00

Last week, December 7th, my husband, my son and I grieved the loss of our beloved Walter again. It has been one year, and sometimes it is still so fresh. It just doesn't seem that long ago...

We decided to get a grave blanket for Christmas and his birthday. Believe it or not, we are only just now considering his headstone. (I cannot describe to you how hard it is to pick your child's headstone. There is something so final about it). I anticipated a very difficult situation at the cemetery. The last time I had spent any real time there I realized how bad it was for the sake of my soul and planned to stay away for awhile, but I needed - I wanted to do this.

God granted us the perfect weather to reflect our emotions that day. It was dark, raining heavily and cold. I was not prepared at all for what was in store for us that afternoon.

Aron put the grave blanket down, while Ethan ran around looking at and touching everything. We'd spent enough time there for him to know it was "baby Walter's grave," not that he knows fully what that means. I don't know that a 2 year old can comprehend death. Aron and I stood there,our hands intertwined looking down at where our second son's soulless body was buried, and just when the tears were really about to flow, I asked Ethan to stand by us. He took my hand, swung from it and began to sing, and at that moment the child inside me began to move vigorously. What a mix of emotion - grief and sadness for my Walter, but an overwhelming flood of gratitude and love. My husband held my right hand, my son held my left, and our next child was making his/her presence known in my womb. I was totally and completely overwhelmed in that moment by His grace, love and mercy. It was an extraordinary beautiful and warm moment in the midst of our sorrow. The three of us sang a hymn together and headed back to the car. When we got into the car, we wept. None of this was easy exactly, but God was present. There was no doubt about it.

Cranberry Pistachio Biscotti (Healthified)

2011-11-16T07:55:00.001-08:00

For anyone who gets the All You Magazine, the December issue has some very promising holiday recipes. I saw this one and had to try it.

I did make a couple changes to make it healthier (substituted whole wheat flour for the all-purpose, egg whites for the whole eggs and I used organic cane sugar). It is super easy and delicious.

I'm excited to try some of their other recipes!

Apples and Ketchup...

2011-10-20T14:57:00.001-07:00

Do go together

Blessings

2011-10-19T19:17:00.000-07:00

It's about 10pm. I just sat down at my desk because I felt like blogging. I stared at the empty computer screen for awhile, and then I stared some more. So I thought to myself, I have nothing to say. No tales of Emergency Room visits, tests, hospital visits, or any other kind of drama. I am healthy. My baby is alive and kicking (all day long today, fiercely even), my son is healthy, and so is my husband. All of it is so much more than I could have ever asked for. Peace in this house tonight. Just peace and quiet.

I've been thinking lately about where I was a year and half ago. It seems like a century ago. All I wanted then was to stop bleeding, to raise my son and live. I wasn't asking God for babies, material things or really anything like that. I just wanted to live, and I wanted to be healthy again.

I couldn't imagine then that this is where I might be today. I am more than just alive. We are expecting another baby in March, my husband is working close to home (so we get to see him more), Ethan is healthy and happy (for the most part at least ;) ), and I am healthy. God answered my prayers and then some.

So tonight, while I have no dramatic news, I have an answer to prayer, even better than what I'd hoped. My heart is full, and God is good. And tonight, I'm feeling so blessed and thankful for the lack of drama.

Well done, good and faithful servant

2011-10-18T18:41:00.000-07:00

I still cannot fathom that there is a living, healthy, growing baby swimming around in me right now. I suppose that is just a normal feeling after a couple of losses. It is hard to believe sometimes, but I cannot deny the little kicks and punches I'm feeling in my belly. It is a strange but familiar feeling. It doesn't feel real, but then it does at the same time. I'm sure that doesn't make sense to anyone reading this, but it does to me.

This pregnancy has definitely been different than the others. It has been harder. Some days, even though I'm 18 weeks, I still feel like I'm in my first trimester. As exhausting as it is, that fact has been a comfort. I know things are going the way they are supposed to.

I love this baby, and it makes me wonder, how is that possible? How can you love someone so much that you've never met? It is amazing the way God has designed the bond between a mother and child to begin long before they ever meet one another face to face.

I have never seen God (obviously), and I've never heard his voice, or felt his touch, but I do know He is there. There is so much evidence in my own life alone that has proven that fact to me on a daily basis. He preserves, protects me, and allows me to wake up and live everyday. He has given me multitudes more than I've ever needed or deserved and prevented me from having so many things that I wanted but shouldn't have had. I have never been deprived by Him.

If I'm amazed at how much I love this baby, how much more amazing is it that God loves me the way He does? There are days when we give in to our children. We might give in because we just love seeing them happy even if it only lasts for a minute or we are exhausted and just want to hear them stop whining. Sometimes we give in, and it just plain isn't good for them. I am God's child, and I whine too. I whine for things that I want because I want them, even if they aren't good for me. But God NEVER gives in when it isn't good for us. He is a Father who loves us enough not to give us everything we whine for, and he does it BECAUSE He is good.

It is such a painful, difficult thing to watch your child suffer or get hurt. We know though that it shapes their character. They need to fall off their bike a few times, to get boo boos, to lose their soccer game, to get socked by another toddler because they grabbed a toy from another boy's hands. We know that it will prepare them for the harder times that they will encounter later on in life: rejection, loss, failure. Our Father, the One who loves us even more than we love our own babies, doesn't like to see us in pain either, but He knows we need it to grow. Can He stop the pain? Can He prevent the loss? Could He make us succeed instead of allowing us to fail? Of course He can, but He loves us enough not to.

I buck against Him and His plans for me, but deep inside I know whatever those plans are, they are for my good. And let's be honest, I have learned the hard way, what other choice do I have? I can't change His plans for me, so should I wallow in sadness and pity or bitterness and anger, or allow myself to be stretched, broken, to ultimately grow? It has taken me way too long to realize I need to let go of my desire to be in control. I know He loves me enough to allow me to suffer because He wants me to grow. I know He wants me to grow ultimately to be more like Jesus. And I know it is all part of His master plan to prepare me for Him and so that one day I will see His face and He will say, "Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master." (Matthew 25:23 ESV)

Our Next Baby at 16 weeks

2011-10-18T17:53:00.000-07:00

Moms Who Do It All...And Do It WELL

2011-09-06T13:37:00.000-07:00

I am so far from the perfect wife, mother and homemaker. I don't have five kids each between 18 and 24 months apart sitting at the breakfast table at 7 am, all bathed, dressed and ready for the day. My house is messy. My kitchen counter is almost always a disaster, laundry sitting in baskets unfolded, crumbs and peanut butter and jelly smudges all over the dining room table, Cheerios or cracker crumbs on the floor and toys spread out all over the house. Don't get me wrong. I try. My vacuum is on at least once every day or so, but 24 hours later it looks the way it did 24 hours earlier. I'm lucky if I've already gone to the gym and showered before lunchtime. I don't wake up before my son and my husband with coffee, orange juice, and breakfast already made for them before they are up. I wish I could say the opposite.

You know that image of the woman from the 1950's, the one where she's vacuuming the house in heels, a cute dress, hair done, makeup impeccable, and has probably a 21 inch waist? Well, that's not me. If I'm home and vacuuming I'm probably in my pajamas or sweatpants.

In the Christian culture, the Proverbs 31 woman is our ultimate goal. It is the image that every Bible believing Christian woman strives to attain and with good reason. If God says this is what He wants us to be, then this is what we must strive for. It is pretty much non-negotiable.

Life is messy and exhausting, both mentally and physically for most mothers. I am so very blessed that my husband can provide enough so that I can stay home and raise our son. These days that is almost unheard of. Still, I can get so overwhelmed. It can be lonely being home often for days on end while my husband is away for work (he has to travel fairly often). I love my son and he is my joy, but being a parent alone most days of the week, without getting much if any time alone and running a house...well, it is hard sometimes.

I am sure that many women who read this would say "Ha! I would love to have your life. I work all day, have to keep a home and take care of my kids and husband." I am frequently disappointed with myself because I look around me and see women working, raising multiple children, somehow managing to cook dinner, keep a house clean and still have time for leisurely activities, their spouse and applying makeup and actually styling their hair everyday. I often think, how do they do it? I only have one child. He's 2 and half, not an infant, not requiring feedings every couple of hours. He plays well by himself, and he's grown to be somewhat independent already.

So why does it all seem so overwhelming sometimes? Why can't I be the super woman that I've seen my Mom, my mother in law, my sister in law and so many others be? I've got it pretty easy.

For those of you who have kids and still manage to do it all, I tip my hat to you. You are a super mom. Keep up the good work, and please - if you have any secrets feel free to share them with me. I could use the help, especially since I've got another one on the way.

(Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful to have the life I do. God has been so good and blessed me with so much, but I would love to be "better" at it).

Happy Surprises

2011-08-20T14:27:00.000-07:00

I have been avoiding blogging about this because I wanted to keep it private for about 3 more weeks. Yes, I'm pregnant for the fourth time. I have been so tempted to start documenting everything but haven't been ready to "go public" so instead I've decided to document it as of today and keep it private until we are ready to make the big announcement. At that point, these posts will be retroactively public (retroactively? Is that right?)
Anyway, I have known for over 5 weeks now. Wow! Time is flying by. Things have been going well and, thankfully, different than last time. Okay. I'm getting ahead of myself. First things first, I found out because of a silly little comment my Mom made (the day we went to plant the flowers actually). After we picked out the flowers she suggested we take Ethan for ice cream. While sitting in Coldstone I expressed my desire to redecorate our house. While muttering about furniture, she gave me a suspicious look and said "you're nesting." I laughed to myself and I think out loud a little too. Was it possible? I was sure it wasn't because Aron had been travelling a lot, and the timing seemed to be way off for that to even be a possibility.
Later on I stopped at Target and picked up a 2 pack box of First Response tests (feeling very silly because I was so certain it was impossible). We got home and I opened the box, took the test, sat it down and turned the bath water on for Ethan. I had actually forgotten about it and a couple minutes later noticed it on the counter. I headed over to the trash can, fully prepared to see only a single line, glanced at it and couldn't believe my eyes. (i literally didn't believe them) I held it up, squinted a little, and there it was. Unmistakable. The faintest second line.
In fact, I was in such disbelief that I didn't tell Aron that night. I just thought if it's for real when I take the second test tomorrow morning the line will be darker. I laid in bed that night, kept the possible news close to my heart and spent some time with the Lord, reading His Word and talking to Him. I remember praying that His will be done and thanking Him for this precious, and rather unexpected, gift. Unfortunately, I think I had been through so much heart ache the last couple of years that it would take a few more weeks for the possibility of having a living, healthy baby to be a reality in my mind.
I woke up the next morning, took the second test, and knew for certain that my eyes were not playing tricks on me the night before.

Letting the Flowers Die

2011-08-16T19:05:00.000-07:00

Wow. It has been a long time since I've blogged. Where to begin...

Needless to say, the last few months have been hard. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about my Walter, recalling his little face to mind, remembering the eery silence in the room after I gave birth. It was such a stark contrast to when Ethan was born. It was dark, and quiet and sterile.

There is so much in that dark scenario that I have to be thankful for. We sang, prayed, read God's Word, and held him for hours when he was born, watching his little heart continue to beat, swaddled in the baby blanket my mother made for him with the words "You are loved" hand-stitched on it. It was such a blessing that I had no hemmorhage or residual issues from the area where my AVM was and didn't require special medical attention, so we had all that extra time to breathe our sweet angel baby in. Every second counted; every second was and is treasured.

To call it to mind - it still is so painful. I think I expected that 8 months down the road I would be in a different place, maybe just sighing and smiling to myself when I thought of him. I'm just not there. I wonder if it will every really feel much different, or will it just stay this way? Will I ever be able to say I'm truly "happy" that he isn't with us, playing with his brother, falling asleep in my arms, wrestling with his Daddy? I can't imagine it.

I know because he is my son that I will never stop loving him. It is an impossibility. I suppose I am still grieving in some ways.

A couple of months ago I was thinking that I wanted to plant some flowers at his gravesite. In fact, I NEEDED to plant the flowers. I don't know any other way to explain it. I needed to go back there and do something for him, make the place where his little body was laying colorful. Believe me. I know his soul is already gone. I quickly realized that the reason I NEEDED to do it was only because of me.

So my Mom and I went to the greenhouse. We picked out some pretty and colorful flowers and headed to the cemetery. It was a scorching hot day, but we managed to dig up the ground and plant the flowers. We watered them and decided that with the heat wave here in NJ watering the flowers would need to be a daily occurance. Since I live 5 minutes down the road I assumed the task, happily I might add.

It wasn't long before I found that I was drawn to the cemetery. I realized again that I wasn't doing this for Walter. I was doing it for myself. He is with God where there are no more tears or pain or death or sorrow. He is not paying any attention to what is going on at his gravesite, and for that I am so glad. One of my only comforts is that his life was never and will never be tainted by the sadness of this world.

The last couple of times I went to the cemetery I noticed something different in me. It was this angry, bitter emotion. Something about visiting that spot wasn't just about visiting my Walter anymore. It was about feeding this demon inside of me. It was like everytime I went there to water the flowers, I was watering an ugly, sinful bitterness, and it was growing like a weed. At first, I would just tear up a little while I was there, but as time went by it wasn't just sadness I was feeling. It was bitterness. I cannot even explain when or how it turned from tears to anger. It happened when I wasn't looking I suppose.

It took a matter of just a few days before I saw what I was doing, what I was becoming. I'm sure it all sounds a little over the top; oh, I wish it was something I made up. But it was very real, and that was when I realized it was time to let the flowers die. Keeping them alive wasn't worth me feeding the weeds that were growing inside of me.

I think what I'm saying is this. It is okay - not just okay - it is right to grieve ("Blessed are those who mourn" Matthew 5:4), but if it comes to a point where you are sacrificing your own spiritual well being in the midst of your grieving, let the grief die. Don't water it, don't nurture it. Let the sun scorch it and burn it.

"If your hand causes you to sin, cut it off. It is better for you to enter into life maimed, rather than having two hands, to go to hell, into the fire that shall never be quenched..." (Mark 9:43) If there is sin in your life or anything that comes between you and Christ, don't just let it go. Don't just walk away. Run. It isn't passive. It can't be. It's war. Or at least it should be.

I'm sorry to say this, but even 8 months after I said goodbye, I've come to recognize that my baby's gravesite isn't a place I should visit often. I'm sure for many people they could say the opposite, that visiting their loved ones who have passed has helped them heal. For me, I think it is more like taking a scab that isn't ready to come off and picking it off, opening it, making it susceptible to infection. I think for now, I am just going to leave it alone, not disturb it and let it heal some more.

All this being said, for anyone who reads this and sees seeds of bitterness sprouting in their own life, there is a short booklet called "Bitterness" written by Lou Priolo. It is an excellent resource that I would highly recommend and well worth the small investment of your time to look into it.

A Heaven-Minded Perspective

2011-07-19T03:07:00.001-07:00

"Most men hope to go to heaven when they die, but few, it may be feared, take the trouble to consider whether they would enjoy heaven if they got there...to be really happy in heaven, it is clear and plain that we must be somewhat trained and made ready for heaven while we are on earth." -J.C. Ryle

For the first time in too long, I'm feeling thankful for and at peace with the His plan. It is hard not to be home yet, but if it wasn't, I wouldn't long for Him as I do. I'm thankful for the struggle because I know He will use it to prepare me for Him.

Eucharisteo

2011-07-09T06:42:00.001-07:00

The heavens declare

2011-04-19T14:24:00.001-07:00

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Wo-shuns

2011-04-19T14:22:00.001-07:00

There is something so satisfying in knowing my son has exhausted himself with lots of fresh air, a huge place to run and lots of water to swim in. I love watching him sleep after spending most of the day outside in the "wo-shuns" (his word for ocean). And there is something so amazing that comes with the realization that God provided all of this for his glory and our enjoyment. He just knew that we would love a warm sun, beautiful water, the sound of waves crashing against the shore, so He created it for us. He knew how much joy it would give me to watch my sweet boy sleep all curled up on the bed, breathing deeply, resting after a wonderful day enjoying God's magnificent creation...so He gave that to me. We truly have a loving and gracious heavenly Father.

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The Woman I Was

2011-04-10T18:02:00.001-07:00

On February 27th last year I wrote an email to our family and friends. This was just a few days after we learned of my diagnosis with the AVM. I remember feeling terror the day my doctor told me, for at least the first few hours. The literature online was frightening. But after the dust settled I felt an overwhelming peace, a peace that could only have been present because of God's mercy. I felt from that day on into the next few months a strength in myself that I didn't know was possible. In the midst of that strength this is the email and Scripture I sent to our loved ones:

Dear Family,

God has been so merciful to us over the last few days. We have seen his hand over and over again interceding for us. So many people have reached out to us, and we have some very good leads regarding treatment for me in this difficult situation. In fact, you should be encouraged to know there are even people way out in California working on this for us. My Uncle Ray (who is a doctor) has already stepped in as my medical proxy and has really been looking out for my best interest. I am astounded, amazed and feeling so blessed. I have truly felt everyone's prayers.

I want you all to know something else. This is the first time that I have gone for a stretch of 3 days since my D&C without any bleeding whatsoever. I am so encouraged by this. I have been praying for a miracle. I know that God can do anything, and that is why I am asking for His healing. We are also still looking for a doctor who has had success treating this condition while preserving fertility if at all possible. We serve a God who is capable of all things. It is my hope and prayer that my condition is being healed even now by God. May it even be that the next test I undergo shows that there has been an improvement without having any medical intervention yet?

Please continue to pray that God will open my heart to accept whatever it is He wills for me, that I would remember any outcome is for my good. What a mighty God we serve.

In His mighty grip,
Aron, Megan & Ethan

Psalm 46

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling. Selah There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God, the holy habitation of the Most High. God is in the midst of her; she shall not be moved God will help her when morning dawns. The nations rage, the kingdoms totter; he utters his voice the earth melts. The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah Come, behold the works of the LORD, how he has brought desolations on the earth. He makes wars cease to the end of the earth; he breaks the bow and shatters the spear; he burns the chariots with fire. “Be Still, and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations. I will be exalted in the earth!” The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our fortress. Selah"

When I look back and think about that span of months, between the tests, the surgery, the healing, the waiting - I see a woman who was a far cry from the woman I see in the mirror today. Today, I reflect on those providences, the skilled surgeon a little over an hour from home, the multiple times God spared my life, the high risk pregnancy doctors with the wisdom only God could have given them to know what to do when, health insurance to pay for thousands upon thousands of dollars in medical treatments, family who sacrificed their time and gave so much love so unselfishly, and multiple other evidences of God's presence and His unmerited love for me, and I am amazed that I could still be such a hopeless child. I'm an Israelite wandering in the desert, forgetting about the manna God just gave me a few hours ago. I see the trials and hardships, and I forget about that sweet manna that He has always rained down on me every time I've needed it. Where is that woman who just couldn't wait to see what amazing thing God was going to do next? In her place there is a woman who expects so little from a God who is so mighty, a God who held on to me so tightly but so gently over the last 29 years. Where is my hope?

I say this not because I have given up, not because I want pity. In fact, it is completely the opposite. I say it because I want to be that woman again. And for some reason I feel that if I just "write it down" and see the words for myself all spelled out, maybe just maybe it will be the push I need to get back to that place - the place where I end a letter with the words "In His Mighty Grip," and I can really mean it.

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What Happens Next?

2011-03-02T10:58:00.001-08:00

I keep an ultrasound picture of Walter up on our refrigerator. I look at it everyday. Some days I look at it, and I want to WANT to take it down and put it in the keepsake box I have for our little boy. But when I go and reach up to take it down I just can't do it. Because I just REALLY don't want to. I want it it to hang there forever even after I'm gone. I want the world to know he was real.

It is all so confusing to me. There is some part of me deep down inside that feels like if that picture isn't up there it will be as though Walter never existed. As it stands, there is so little that is tangible evidence of Walter's life...a little box of tattered ultrasound pictures, the blanket my mother made for him to be swaddled in, some sympathy cards, his hand prints in my Bible. It just doesn't seem right. There should be more.

I took one of the mini roses we had laid on his coffin and put it in a picture frame last week. We have a montage of family photos on our living room wall, but Walter isn't there. Instead across the room sits a frame with that rose in it, and I feel guilty. Because that rose belongs on the wall with the rest of our family. Walter should be on that wall with his brother. The frame doesn't have a hook to hang it on the wall so I left it sitting up on our wine cabinet. I need to hang that picture up with the rest of the family. Maybe I should just buy a new frame, one that I can hang on the wall. But I don't want to because that frame is for Walter; it's solid, firm, heavy, enduring. It was meant for Walter.

Maybe this all sounds a little crazy. Maybe it sounds scattered. I guess I'm still sifting through it all. I'm just trying to understand, and I don't know how to do any of this. I don't know the right way.

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And it came to pass

2011-02-07T20:16:00.001-08:00

I'm sitting in the parking lot where I told Aron we were pregnant with Walter 6 months ago. It seems like such a long time ago. I think I was just in a completely different place mentally then. I was hopeful and ready to "try again."

Today and for the last few weeks, I have often felt low. I've been trying to decide whether or not to include this in my blog. It is deeply personal and not something I'm proud of - in fact, I would go as far as to say it is something I'm ashamed of...but then I considered the multitudes of women out there who are just like me, children of God who are lost in this same darkness, a darkness that just won't lift. I want those women to know they are not alone.

I'm still not certain how to approach this subject. There is a very real sense of emptiness and loneliness that often covers me. I can be surrounded in a room full of family and friends and still be alone. Even the most valiant efforts, hugs, words of love and affirmation, condolences just cannot contend with the cocoon of grief I find myself surrounded in.

One night last week, on an especially difficult night, my Mom came over and told me something my wise Grandma used to say: "the Bible says and it came to pass; it doesn't say and it came to stay." There are two things I remind myself of frequently now. My Grandma's wise words, and something else (from Ed Welch's book "Running Scared"): "Lord, I trust you."

I would like to be able to say that reminding myself of these two sentiments, the continuous daily conversations I've been having with God, and the time I've been investing in some wonderful resources on anxiety have cured me. But if I said that I would be lying.

I am learning constantly now just how human and weak I am in and of myself. I stare at my son's sweet sleeping face, smooth his beautiful blonde curls off his forehead and I feel a desperation well up inside me to be the kind of Mama he needs - a source of light, joy and peace, a place for him to find refuge from the things that frighten him. And in that moment I'm reminded how much more my Heavenly Father, who loves me with a love that is unmatched (far greater than the love I have for my son) wants to be my refuge, my "very present help in trouble," my Savior, my Daddy. But in my human-ness I am still too afraid to really say "I trust you, Lord" and fully mean it.

I know that He will "never leave...or forsake" me. I know that this is just another chapter in my life that will pass. I am just all too eager to put this one behind me.

I have been here before, in the place where it seems the darkness will go on forever, and I have also been lifted out of it. I've felt God reach for me, lift the clouds and surround me in the light and warmth of His presence.

So although right now I am weak and tired and feeling like I have nothing left, I know what I have to look forward to because I have been there before. And to be quite honest when I really stop and think about it, that is enough to give me peace tonight.

"Why are you cast down, O my soul,
and why are you in turmoil within me?

Hope in God; for I shall again praise him,
my salvation and my God." Psalm 43:5

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When I Don't Have the Words

2011-01-28T12:27:00.000-08:00

A few months ago, when we found out Walter would not live outside my womb, some dear friends of ours sent us a sympathy card that has continued to strike a chord with me.

It is difficult to put into words, looking back a couple months ago when I was still carrying Walter, what I was feeling. I didn't know how to think. I didn't know what to say to people. I used to try to formulate in my mind what I was going to say to anyone who heard I was pregnant and didn't know I was carrying a baby I would never raise. I didn't want anyone to feel awkward when I told them my baby wasn't going to live. I never did find the right words to explain it...

Even more difficult than this was my inability to pray. I didn't know what to say to God. I would often open my mouth to pray out loud, especially during family worship, and I just couldn't get the words out. Tears were about all I could manage.

In the midst of everything, we received a card in the mail from our friends. The front of the card said, "God doesn't wait for us to reach out, to ask for help, and get on our knees. God just goes ahead and takes our hands before we ask." The inside said, "He tells us what we need to hear: 'Don't be scared. I'm right here. Always have been, always will.'"

For the last few weeks of Walter's life I referred to those words often. I kept the card in the kitchen where I spend most of my day so that I could be reminded as often as I needed to.

Sometimes we just don't know how to pray or what to say, and it is a relief to have a Heavenly Father who intercedes for us, an omniscient God who knows our every need and desire even better than we do.

"For He knows our frame; He remembers that we are dust." (Psalm 103:14)

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Let the Healing Begin

2010-12-22T11:19:00.001-08:00

Another day. Another doctor's appointment. I saw my OBGYN for a 2 week post delivery checkup today, and we received only good news.

All restrictions have been lifted. I can resume exercise and all other normal activities.

I still have headaches and my heel is still numb, but right now that doesn't even matter to me. I can pick up my son, it doesn't hurt to bend over, and I think I can see the sun beginning to shine.

He has given me so much more than I deserve.

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What a Difference a Year Makes

2010-12-17T18:10:00.001-08:00

A year ago today we found out we had lost our second child. After 3 weeks of hemorrhaging, his (or her) tiny heartbeat finally stopped. I had the pleasure of carrying our little one for 8 weeks.

It was so exciting finding out I was pregnant with our second baby. My hands were shaking when I read that positive pregnancy test. I even got the moment I told Aron on camera. I haven't watched that video yet. I guess I'm still not ready.

Tonight I'm lying in a hospital bed in New York. It is incredible for me to look back and remember what we were doing a year ago tonight. I feel like I'm a different person. I AM different.

I'm waiting to get some tests run for persistent headaches. My doctors are not overly concerned. Whatever it is, it is treatable - might even just be migraines. I guess after having a baby they like to take precautions and have these things checked out.

I can't even begin to start thinking about trying to have another baby, when my heart still aches to have Walter. I don't want just any other baby; I want him.

Still, I received very encouraging news tonight from one of my high risk doctors who has a lot of experience with AVMs. If nothing else, it was just nice to hear that he is not concerned at all about recovery.

He came by my room to say hello and let me know he heard how well my delivery went. In fact, it went so well that he wouldn't even necessarily consider another pregnancy for me as "high risk." He said I should still see a high risk practice and deliver in a well equipped hospital, but he believes that this delivery is evidence that another one has a very good likelihood of going smoothly. As I said, it was great to hear that I'm on the road to good health. God is so so gracious, but it is the farthest thing from my mind, carrying another child today. I buried my son less than a week ago. My heart is too full of him right now.

A year ago I was lost, frightened, desperate to have a baby, and clinging to the idea of holding on to control of my life and future. Tonight, even though I'm in the hospital again, I'm smiling at the thought of kissing my little Ethan's sweet cheeks, getting one of his big bear hugs, seeing my husband walk through the door, having him lay down in the bed next to me, hold me, and just feeling his very necessary presence.

All I know tonight is that I feel my Father's peace, His goodness, His unfathomable wisdom, His kindness, His healing hand, His love for me. I don't care what the future holds; I just care that I know He will keep holding me in the future.

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Reflections of Our Heavenly Father

2010-12-17T16:52:00.001-08:00

This week was tough. My family has been such a tremendous comfort to me. My husband and I are unfortunately separated during the week by a span of about 200 miles. Needless to say, this is a trying time to be separated, but in the mean time I am so blessed to live near my family.

I've loved watching my son play with his cousins, grocery shopping with my Dad, getting to spend more time with my brother, watching my gorgeously pregnant sister-in law's belly grow, and spending quality time with my Mom, learning how to decorate and make her meatloaf. I'm astounded at God's goodness and the multitude of opportunities he's given me to just breathe in the fresh and beautiful parts of life. I'm astounded at his goodness in giving me such a loving, giving, time and energy-sacrificing, warm group of loved ones.

I love you guys, and I don't know where I would have been this last year without you. You truly reflect the love of Christ in your love for me.

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Blessed are those who mourn

2010-12-16T10:47:00.001-08:00

We said goodbye to Walter 9 days ago. It's still fresh; it feels like yesterday.

My heart is so broken today. I understand that we all have hard providences to suffer. I know that our suffering is part of Gods plan, but even in knowing that it still hurts so deeply.

Grieving is a natural Godly process. We are not meant to just shrug off our losses like robots. God made us deeply emotional and spiritual beings. There is no shame in mourning. In fact, it is encouraged. God wants us to mourn, to use those deep emotions he granted us. "Blessed Are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." (Matthew 5:4)

The tears seem endless at times, but I want to grieve. I want to feel every ounce of longing to touch Walter's little hands and face again, to cry every tear, to feel my heart ache so much I can barely breathe. I want to acknowledge my son and his short existence. He lived. He was my son. He died, and He went to be with his heavenly Father.

There will be a day that I rise up from the ashes, that I look to the heavens, that I pick myself up off the floor, that the weeping stops, the darkness lifts, and I see the sunshine again. It just isn't time yet. My arms ache to hold my baby, and that's all I know today.

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2010-12-12T11:50:00.000-08:00

Walter Daniel Gahagan

Born December 7, 2010 at 2:22 a.m.

Resting with our Maker December 7, 2010 6:30 a.m.

Jesus, Bring the Rain

2010-12-12T11:45:00.000-08:00

I spent many evenings and afternoons sitting at my Grandad's table pouring ourselves over the Shorter Catechism, Romans and other Scriptures. My preteen and teen years were extremely developmental for me as far as my faith goes. I can remember multiple evenings that we were so overwhelmed by God's grace and mercy for us we were moved to tears. My Grandad had a ferocious love for the Scriptures that was unsurpassed by anyone I can recall, a love that was contagious. I watched him suffer daily from severe physical ailments that caused him constant pain, but he never ever blamed God. In fact, his suffering, I'm sure, is what caused him to cling even harder to the cross. I've never known a reformed, conservative Christian man to be so passionate and charismatic for his Maker. He sang "What E'er My God Ordain is Right" with complete conviction. When he recited hymn lyrics or Scripture he did it with his whole heart. He made the Word of God his anthem. Walter and Elspeth Ferrier lived lives of suffering and yet lives that were so filled with the Holy Spirit.

I have caught myself wondering sometimes, "When will we have some relief? A respite... When will our lives be normal?" But I am reminded of the lives my grandparents led. I don't remember a time that they weren't suffering. They were grateful for God's love for them no matter how bleak the circumstances. It is hard for me to think that there are no guarantees in this life, that I don't know what the future holds, that it may be a long time before I know that rest I so deeply desire. And yet...

I am so thankful that God is keeping me close to Him. When I think about my spiritual well being when life was "normal" and "easy," I remember having less of a "need" for Christ (or what I thought was less of a need). I don't remember feeling the longing that I do for Him now, for His Word, His presence. It is a shame that for me, apparently, it takes such times of trouble to keep me clinging to the cross, to my Jesus.

I will say this: if a life of difficulty, of sorrow, or pain, anguish, physical trials, loss and tears is what it takes to keep me close to God, then that is what I prefer. If an easy life, with little difficulty and normalcy produces weakness, poor character, a stunt in my spiritual growth and complacency, I don't want any part of it.

I will take whatever He gives me as long as it means I will want more of Him, as long as it means He will keep me close to Him.

My Loss, Your Gain

2010-12-09T08:31:00.001-08:00

I remember your lips. I knew you were a boy the moment I saw your sweet little face. You had your Daddy's mouth. You had his hairline, his ears, his fingers. There was no doubt in my mind you were our son.

It's barely been two days since we watched your tiny heart beating through your chest. You were so strong even with so many physical difficulties.

The pain now is so raw. There was no way to be prepared for losing you. If I could have done anything, if giving up my own life would have meant preserving yours, I would have gladly.

Better for you to be with Jesus than with me though. My single comfort is that God chose to bring you to himself and spare you the suffering of living in this cruel, unholy world. Knowing that you are in God's hands instead of mine - there is NO better place to be.

But I love you still so much. It still tears my heart apart not to get to see you play with your big brother, to hear your voice, to watch you hug your Daddy, to feel you wrap your little arms around my neck, to listen to you giggle for the first time...

I will wait for the day I can look in your eyes and see you face to face in heaven, but until then I will look forward more to the day I can imagine your sweet face without feeling the anguish and heartbreak I feel now.

You are loved, little one.

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December 7, 2010

2010-12-08T13:15:00.001-08:00

"The LORD gave, and the LORD hath taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD." (Job 1:21)

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2010-12-05T15:36:00.001-08:00

"O My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as You will.”

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What's In a Name?

2010-11-20T14:52:00.000-08:00

A couple of weeks ago, I was visiting my parents. Unexpectedly, my Mom took me aside and gave me what has become one of the greatest gifts I've ever received - my Grandma's Bible. As my Mom handed it to me she said, "I thought you could use this right now. It seems like the perfect time to give it to you." I felt my eyes well up with tears at the sentimentality of it. My Grandma was one of the most precious, influential people in my life. Next to this last year, losing her was the most difficult trial on this earth that I've endured. Little did I know how affected I would be by this book in the days to come.

The next day I perused the well worn pages of her Bible, anticipating hundreds of passages highlighted, underlined and covered in her notes. I couldn't have been more accurate in my estimations. I knew my Grandma well; her life was a beautiful picture of God's Word. She lived it every single day. I came to the spot where her bookmark was, which was tattered with use, and saw that it was Psalm 25. There was a note written and dated September 18th, 1994, one week before she passed away that read "How true it has been this year." Next to the note verses 16 through 18 were underlined: "Turn Yourself to me, and have mercy on me, For I am desolate and afflicted. The troubles of my heart have enlarged; Oh, bring me out of my distresses! Look on my affliction and my pain, And forgive all my sins." I was emotional to say the least.

I knew that my Grandma suffered for many long years, being told her husband would die too many times to count, while instead enduring the life of being wife to a husband who spent a greater portion of the time in and out of hospitals and surgeries. I knew it was difficult for her, but I never really understood. I couldn't. No one could. As an adult now, I imagine that there were countless other trials she faced that she never shared or complained about. That was just her way. Elspeth Ferrier didn't worry about Elspeth Ferrier outside of her prayer closet. She was too busy caring for her severely ill husband, working, preparing meals for the sick at church, spending time with her grandchildren (who never lacked her attention) and hosting numerous church functions and meetings in her home. I'm really getting to see that now through the pages of her Bible. This was a woman who suffered privately for most of her married life, but she did it so graciously.

My Grandma didn't know 15 years ago that today my eyes would scan those very same pages, that my tears would weep over the same spots that hers did, and that I would glean so much encouragement and wisdom in her blessed hand written notes in the margins...but God knew. He planned it that way. My parents didn't know 28 years ago that when they gave me the middle name Elspeth it would have such a deep and personal meaning, but God knew. He planned it that way.

There is something so precious in knowing that I have suffered this much, but so did she. She did it with such dignity, so quietly, so selflessly, all the while exhibiting Christ in so many ways. I am ashamed, to say the least, that I have not followed in her footsteps so closely, but by God's grace in the years to come I would like Him to help me change that. I would like to live up to my middle name, Elspeth and I would like to know that if Elspeth Ferrier were here, she would be proud that I carry her name.

2010-11-20T13:50:00.000-08:00

"To trust only when times are favourable, is to sail only with the wind and tide, to believe only when we can see."

("The 'I Wills' of the Psalms" - P.B. Power)

2010-11-14T11:24:00.001-08:00

"Hallelujah Grace like rain falls down on me."

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God's Waiting Room

2010-11-13T15:27:00.001-08:00

It is hard for me to type the words, let alone think them. Our baby is not viable. My doctors' suspicions were confirmed yesterday. After an ultrasound, which took 15 minutes but seemed like forever, we were informed that our precious 16 week old baby has a two vessel umbilical cord (should be three), a heart defect, an obstruction in the intestines, half of one leg and no kidneys. There is almost no fluid around the baby (because there are no kidneys). This was the most difficult ultrasound I've ever had. I could see that the baby was not really moving because there was obviously no room to move with the lack of fluid. His little heart was still beating away though.

I'm yet again in a minority of people. The doctor at the ultrasound said that in his 30 years of experience he has never seen a baby survive in the uterus this long with so many problems. I suppose that in itself is a miracle. I don't understand God's plan; I know that his ways are so much greater than mine could ever be. Still, I can't help but admit that it is so difficult to accept.

I wonder if the baby is suffering. All of the organs are there (the ones that actually developed when they were supposed to anyway), and I guess there must be nerves there too. The baby is squished in there with no real room to move, and with so many things going wrong inside his little body, is it hurting him?

One of the hardest parts in all of this is knowing that although this child is still growing inside me, and I am his mother, there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to help him. I can't even cuddle him in my arms and let him know I'm here and that I love him and that I would do anything just to be able to protect him from what is to come. I can't keep him safe.

Needless to say the doctor has recommended that we terminate the pregnancy. I think it goes without saying that is not an option and never will be. There are so many unknowns ahead of us. Again, my health is at risk, my fertility is at risk, we have many decisions that will need to be made, and as Grandma Ferrier spent most of her adult life saying "We are in God's waiting room."

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The Struggle

2010-11-11T04:23:00.001-08:00

I have been wondering for weeks now the longer my pregnancy progresses, if it will get more difficult or will I just sort of go numb, like being in survival mode? To be honest I had hoped for the numbness over the difficulty. As it turns out, there is no numbness. Instead, a deeper love and attachment to my baby grows inside of me each day I see my belly growing.

I am not sure if I'm wrong in feeling that way. I just know it has been one year since the last time I found out I was pregnant and all of the life-changing events that followed. If I took all the suffering in my lifetime and combined it and compared it to all of the suffering of the last year, there would still be no comparison. There is this huge part of me that is saying "How long, oh Lord?" It is hard to imagine that I will be able to handle what is to come; my single comfort is that God will give me grace to deal with whatever it is.

Everyday is unique. Some days I feel so empowered by God, and I just think "I can do this. He will give me the strength." There are other days, most days, that I'm fighting a war. Those are the days that I open the cabinet in my kitchen to get Ethan's sippy cup, my breast pump catches my eye and I can feel my heart break. Or I see a movie where a mother is in labor, and I feel my eyes well up with tears when her child enters the world. Or I see a very pregnant woman in the mall and can't help but wonder "Will I make it that far? Will my baby make it that far?"... Then God reminds me of the precious gift I'm carrying in that moment as I feel my little one move inside me.

Today I am just grateful that I know His power is made perfect in my weakness because I am utterly helpless and weak on my own.

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Dear Baby:

2010-11-04T19:23:00.000-07:00

I went to the doctor to hear your heartbeat today. As usual, the doctor had no trouble finding that blessed sound. When I got home and pulled into the garage I felt you moving for the first time. I have been wondering whether or not I would get to experience the joy of feeling your first movements. Even with just your tiny arms it is obvious you are doing big things in there. I can already tell that you are a very active little one; you've been squirming around so much all day. :)

I want you to know something. Although you don't have legs, your body is perfect. And it is perfect because God made it the way that he did. He formed every single intricate part of you just the right way. God's Word says that He "formed [your] inward parts; [He] knitted [you] together in [my] womb." Isn't that just incredible?

I hope that some day I can meet you and that we can praise Him together for how "fearfully and wonderfully made" you are. I haven't gotten to hug you and kiss your little cheeks, but I love you already. You are so precious to me, you are my little miracle. Everyday I get to spend carrying you is such a gift, and I am privileged to be your Mama. I am so blessed that God chose me for you.

I can't wait to meet you.

Love,
Mama

Giving It All to God (even when it isn't easy)

2010-10-22T18:16:00.000-07:00

I should be over 13 weeks pregnant today, but going by my measurements I'm barely 12. We learned that things weren't right from the beginning because at my 6 week ultrasound the baby was measuring too small. Actually, at that point there wasn't even a baby visible; there was only an empty sac, which was an indicator that things just weren't developing as they should. Since then it has been a complete roller coaster. We saw a heartbeat, and we thought we may be out of the woods. Shortly after that, I had another ultrasound that showed our baby may only have one leg and a possible omphicole (the bowel growing into the umbilical cord). Then this past week things were a little more conclusive.

We had an ultrasound yesterday that showed the baby's left leg was missing, and the right one is also abnormal. The doctor also believes that the organs may be developing incorrectly. As of today, we have no idea what is wrong with our baby, and we don't know if the baby will be viable outside of the womb.

(We don't know the sex of our baby, but I'm going to refer to this child as "he" from now on instead of him or her).

Having a disabled child is more difficult than I can imagine, but having a child, no matter what his physical and mental struggles are, is something that I am honored to do. A child is a child. A child is a blessing, and a "fetus" is a baby, a human being. As we watched the baby wriggle around on the ultrasound screen I was struck by the tragedy of the millions and millions of women who have been in my same situation and turned to their doctors and said, "Get rid of it." I watched that sweet, active little 2" baby and was just amazed. This baby is not developing like a healthy child, but that doesn't make him any less of a person. I just can't understand how anyone could decide that their baby doesn't deserve a chance. It isn't my choice...or my desire.

My hope is that this baby survives, that I meet this little one and raise him to know that he is perfect and whole just the way God made him. My hope is for a miracle, that even now God might be healing this little one's body. But I have an even greater hope, and it has taken me 28 long years to finally get here.

My greatest hope is that God would be honored and glorified in this situation. I want to have more children. Anyone who has been reading this blog has to know that by now. It is one of my strongest desires, and at one point it became my sole desire. That was so wrong. Over the last year God has been loosening my grip on this desire that slowly and quietly developed into a NEED. My desire for more children is still there, and it is still strong. But my greatest need is for Christ and His purposes. I have found that the more God loosens my grip on the things that I want, the more He becomes what I want and what I need. I have also found that true satisfaction, fulfillment and joy only comes when He is in the center of it all.

I hope this doesn't sound flippant. I love this child. I take time every single day to put my hands on my tummy and pray for this baby. I want this child, but what I want more is for God to make the decision how long his life span will be. My reasoning for this is that I know - I'm 100% certain that whatever God decides for my baby is what is best and right for him. Is there any greater comfort? I am so grateful that He is in charge because HE IS GOD. He created us and gives us every breath we take. There are no better hands, not even mine, for this little one's life to be in.

I have the privilege of being the vessel that God has chosen my baby to live in and grow inside of. As my best friend Danielle so (as usual) perfectly phrased it, "God chose ME for this." It is all providence, and it is all part of his perfect plan. I trust Him. This was no accident.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring, and I have absolutely no idea what the future holds. But His grace is sufficient for me.

Be Killing Sin

2010-10-15T19:22:00.000-07:00

I held off on writing about this for weeks. I was anxious from the beginning and thinking "If I'm going to miscarry I want to do it privately." Is that hopeless or what? I'm not going to sugar coat it. The way I was thinking was just plain prideful. I didn't want people to feel sorry for me, but worse than that I didn't want to feel the shame publicly of losing another child.

I bet this doesn't make sense to most people. I can't speak for all women who have been through a miscarriage, and also let me preface this by saying I realize how completely irrational this is but... for me, miscarrying was shameful. I felt guilty and embarrassed. I felt that I had somehow failed to protect my child, like it was something I could have controlled. I thought "I should have been able to carry this baby to term." As I said before, and I think this is worse than feeling guilty, I was embarrassed. There was something about losing my baby, and having everyone know about it that made me feel like a loser. I'm going to cut to the chase. It was pride. It was a fear that people would look down at me.

This summer I was struck with my lack of humility. I felt very convicted in many ways of this sin; in the way that I spoke to people (or spoke too much), the way that I listened (or more often the lack thereof), and in the way that I thought of myself. I wrestled, and still do, with this terribly. I was determined to kill this sin, so I prayed and studied the subject (there are some great resources out there). As time went by and I became pregnant, I realized how connected these two sins are with each other and just how deeply I struggle with both. Pride is a feeling of self-respect or self-worth, and a lack of humility pretty much happens when our pride is in overdrive. In not wanting others to know that I was pregnant and that I was told I would likely miscarry, I was acting proudly, refusing an opportunity to be humble and losing out on the prayers and encouragement of my Christian brothers and sisters.

I know that part of the battle is being able to recognize our sins, but that is just the beginning. I'm not going to lie. It is still an uphill battle, but my hope is that in writing this and sharing it with those who love me, I will have to be accountable. When we struggle in secret and hide our ugly sinful nature we are only hurting ourselves and stunting our own growth. And my goal is still to be more like Jesus. I don't want to do anything that is going to prevent me from growing in Christ. So here it is. I'm laying it bare.

Not Time to Mourn

2010-10-15T18:46:00.000-07:00

I was going to try to write about this in order from the earliest events to the most recent, but because so much time has passed I'm going to just jump around. So here it is...

I'm 12 weeks pregnant. Praise God we had no difficulty in conceiving. My surgery was a success, and my fertility was in no way adversely affected. After the events of the last year, my doctor had me go in for an early ultrasound at 6 weeks to make sure the pregnancy was not ectopic (that it was in my uterus). As it turned out the pregnancy was in my uterus, but the baby was developing too slowly. We met with my doctor, and he informed us that we should prepare for a miscarriage. We waited a week, had another ultrasound, and saw again that the baby was measuring a week behind. I saw a very slow heartbeat (also an indicator of a likely miscarriage). I spoke to the doctor, and he said he still was not convinced it would be a viable pregnancy, but that he also wasn't ruling out that it might be. I appreciated his hesitation to give me a miscarriage diagnosis, as I've heard about so many other women in this situation whose doctors told them their baby was not viable. They went on to wait a couple weeks, and sure enough their baby was fine. I waited one more week, had another ultrasound and saw a great heartbeat (140 bpm) and a baby that was measuring over a week behind but still appeared to be doing well.

At this point I was over 8 weeks pregnant. I'd love to be able to say I was just over joyed, but I'm going to be honest. I was terribly faithless and had been since my first ultrasound. Wouldn't you think that after everything this past year, I would have learned to be hopeful? To be trusting my Father? To behave and think like a real Christian? I am so ashamed to say I did not. In fact, I left that ultrasound so struck my by sin and how poorly I'd responded to this trial in the past few weeks. Here I was pregnant this whole time, not rejoicing in it, but having completely given up. I had already been mourning the loss of my child, while all along this little one was continuing to grow inside me. Just typing the words and reading them is difficult.

Let me go a step further. That week I left for Florida for my sister's wedding. Within a couple days of being there I noticed that all of my pregnancy symptoms became non-existent. No nausea, no more headaches, very little exhaustion and no more indigestion. I should probably mention that I also had the slightest bit of bleeding. I called the after hours doctor who was on call and described my symptoms. He said that I may be having a miscarriage. Yet again, I gave up all hope. In fact, I was CERTAIN the baby had died. I got home and the following Monday had an ultrasound to confirm my suspicion and was shocked to see a very active baby with a strong heartbeat. At this point, the heart rate had made it all the way up to 171 bpm. I was completely astonished. It didn't make sense to me. I didn't feel pregnant anymore, but indeed I was. Again, I realized how faithless I was. This time, I made a conscious effort to have a positive, hopeful attitude....but a few days later some more bleeding came and along with it so did the doubts....

The Green Light

2010-10-14T19:09:00.000-07:00

I've been saying for the last couple of months that I'm going to get back to blogging, but truth be told, I think I've just been too lazy to do it.

I don't think I've updated since my last post about my AVM symptoms returning. Apparently, I don't know my own body at all and God is very VERY gracious. My doctor sent me for a second scan since my surgery, and the AVM is virtually non-existent. I went to see the high risk OBGYN in New York recommended to me by Dr. Rosen, and he did a saline ultrasound to see how much scar tissue I had left over from the surgery. The assumption was that in order for us to get the "green light" to go ahead and get pregnant, he would see how much scar tissue there was and remove whatever he could. (If there is too much scar tissue, it would put me at a greater risk of having a postpartum hemorrhage at the time I deliver our next baby). Well, yet again, in God's providence there wasn't even any scar tissue to be removed! The doctor said, "If you hadn't told me you had ever even had an AVM I wouldn't have known it was there." There wasn't even a remnant of anything left.

We went home with a tremendous gift that day. We were allowed to go ahead and "be fruitful and multiply."

Another One

2010-07-21T20:19:00.000-07:00

I know I'm going a little crazy here with the videos, but music is such a huge part of who I am. It moves me in a way that I cannot explain. Had to post this one.

"Wedding Dress"

2010-07-01T19:27:00.000-07:00

Here We Go Again

2010-07-01T19:18:00.000-07:00

In the last week I've had the flu, an upper respiratory infection, a sick toddler and the return of my AVM symptoms, all while my husband has been away on business. Aron and I are both thankful for the assistance of friends and my Mom. I really appreciate getting to live so close to my parents during times like these. My Mom or my sister-in-law will just scoop Ethan up from me and take care of him for days at a time. It is such a huge blessing. Then there's our friend Natalie, who as soon as she hears that I'm having any trouble is quick to offer to visit with me, make us a meal or do absolutely anything I might need help with. Family and friends - I don't know what I would do without them.

I have been a little discouraged recently, especially with the AVM symptoms. I really thought this was all behind me. I mean in the back of my mind I knew there was a chance it could return. There is no guarantee that the surgery will work for the first time, but I guess it was all such a nightmare I was very quick to hope that those days were over. It is actually not uncommon for a woman to have to have the surgery a second time. I was just hoping that I wouldn't fall into that category.

I'm jumping the gun a little in saying all this because I haven't had the tests done yet to confirm that the AVM is what my problem is, but I do know that what I'm experiencing is pretty much identical to what I experienced before the last time I needed the surgery. I wish it was just my imagination. Unfortunately, it is very real.

Anyway, on to more positive thoughts. Today I had a little breakthrough. I've been pretty down between being so sick, Aron being away for work, not being able to go for a run in 8 days (yikes!) and the pain and bleeding that are associated with the AVM. I will admit that I was fighting back tears all morning (okay, I may have lost the fight a couple times). I was having a really tough time. But I've been talking to God a lot today and I guess talking to myself too. I've been asking God for grace and mercy, that He would do a work in my mind so that I will continue even during all of this to focus on Him and find my fulfillment in Him. I've been asking Him to grant me that amazing peace and joy that we find in Him no matter what trials we are experiencing. And God in his abundant love has been so good as to answer my prayer almost instantly. Already today I've been feeling his incredible presence. Believe me - I am struggling. This isn't just an easy quick fix. It requires some work on my part as well. I have to keep reminding myself of His promises to me. I've been singing hymns and reciting Scripture to myself, but I am so grateful yet again that I already feel how near He is.

I have just been finding so much in the last few weeks that the more I immerse myself in Him, the closer I grow toward Him. And that is what I want so much more than anything, more than I want to be able to breathe. I am starving for more of Him all the time. I just want to be full of Christ so much that I'm bursting at the seams. I want Christ to be spilling out all over my life and touching everyone around me. And it seems that the more I get the more I want. It will never be enough.

My comfort today has been that some day this will all be over, and when it is I will finally meet God. I will finally be face to face with this increible, unfathomable, all-consuming, omniscient, perfect, holy, just, loving and magnificent God who has done things in my life that are so incredible I can barely comprehend it.

Give me Jesus.

Life on the Road

2010-06-27T19:29:00.000-07:00

I have had a lot of people ask me what it is like living out of a hotel for several months at a time. There are two ways to look at it: it is both difficult and good.

There are some nice aspects to living in a hotel. We stay at extended stay hotels usually, which means there is a kitchen in our room. This makes it seem a little more like home because I can keep food in the fridge, and I can cook. Another good thing: having a maid clean everyday. Now, some people might see this as a great thing, and yes, it certainly is at times, especially when I was having so much physical difficulty over the last year. It was a tremendous blessing not to have to clean during that time....but I guess I could say there is a bit of a drawback. My standard of cleanliness is a little more picky than most people. I'm a "clean messy" person. In other words, I am very picky when it comes to vacuuming and dusting and sanitizing. Some days I was tempted to call the front desk and ask if I could borrow a vacuum, a mop and a bottle of Windex. It's not even just that I'm picky, but I actually LIKE cleaning. I know, I know...it sounds crazy. On the other hand, I tend to make "piles" all over the place. I have a pile of receipts here, a pile of clothes there, and a pile of coupons over in the other corner. I'm not terribly gifted when it comes to being organized.

Another plus is that we had our own bedroom. At the time that we were living in the hotel we had a bedroom for ourselves, a living room, a kitchen, and Ethan got to have his own room. When we would come home to NJ, Ethan's crib was still in our room. It was nice to have that bit of space and privacy at the hotel. It was more like having an apartment than living in a hotel room.

Our hotel also provided an evening meal Monday through Thursday. It was always sort of a light meal like tacos or soup and salad. We didn't usually take advantage of this, but it was nice to have it available to us if we wanted it. (An obvious added benefit to this is that it would have helped save on our food costs).

Now for the difficult aspects: it just isn't home. While this may be true, when we are away from home I am constantly trying to find ways to "bring home with us." One way to do this is to bring candles. I had them lit for dinner time or for when Aron came in from work. Unfortunately, I made the mistake of buying scented candles, and I'm not sure Aron really appreciated the heavy aroma. (Sorry, honey, I had to include this because it is slightly amusing).

Another way to make it feel more like home is to bring table linens. Had our hotel not provided placemats and cloth napkins I would have brought my own. When we are at our permanent home we always use cloth napkins and placemats. Dinner time is such an important time of day for the entire family. It should not just be a time to eat but a time to talk, relax, and enjoy one another's company. The table should be a warm and engaging place. One way to elicit this kind of response is to create an inviting atmosphere, hence the usage of table linens. When I'm at home I also like to keep some kind of centerpiece on the table for decoration, whether it be a bowl of fruit or a glass vase with some colorful stones in it and a candle in the center. I also like to use my Grandmother's doilies - I'm fortunate enough that I married a man who appreciates my traditional side. I like to bring a small set of speakers to play music on also. I play music at home a lot, so it only makes sense to play it wherever we're staying.

Life on the road can also be lonely. I make it a point to try to stay in touch with friends. This could mean emailing, text messaging or phone calls. Most importantly, we make it a point to get together with our friends whenever we can when we are home. Sometimes we are tired and want to relax when we are home, but nothing beats getting to have some quality time with the people we love. It is so refreshing, and I think living in a hotel has caused us to treasure those friendships even more so than we did when we were still living at home.

So, in answer to the comment that we so often hear "Wow. Living in a hotel. That must be rough..." Yeah, it is difficult, but it certainly has made us appreciate "home" that much more. Also, you've heard the saying "Home is where the heart is." That is why when we are away from our own house, I try to make sure I bring a little bit of home with us, and all it takes are a few easy, creative ideas.

Worlds Apart

2010-05-17T13:54:00.000-07:00

Almost 6 months ago I found out I was pregnant. That was the day my body began going through the process of miscarrying my little one, and that was the day my world started to "tear apart."

I was listening to Jars of Clay "Worlds Apart" today. Since the moment I first heard it it has carried a special significance for me, but today I was overwhelmed even more so than I usually am by it. I couldn't listen to it without getting emotional. And today I realized something was different. I was just completely awe struck with the fact that God has done so unbelievably much in my life recently.

The last several months have been by far some of the most difficult of my life, but I am also convinced that the last several months have played a tremendous role in my growth as a Christian. I can say with confidence that "sanctification-wise" this has been one of the most influential periods of my life. I have never loved Christ as much as I do today. God has used the loss of a child, life threatening medical issues, personal struggles with fear and anxiety, a large stack of medical bills on my desk and being faced with the possibility that I may not have anymore children to truly "take my world apart."

I feel His presence so strongly today. Honestly, I don't know if I would be in this place spiritually had I not been brought to my knees the way I have. But I know His truth, THE truth. I know that His purposes are greater than mine, and I know that the purpose of this life isn't for me to get married, have lots of babies and live happily ever after (not that there's anything wrong with that). No, it is so much greater than that. My purpose is to glorify Him and to enjoy Him. I have always struggled with letting go and giving certain areas of my life to Him. There has been so much I've wanted and so much that I think I just - expected. But my life is not my own, and the harder I tug and hold on to the things that are so valuable and precious to me, the more He is gently loosening my grip. I am really beginning to see the beauty of God's plan for me and the beauty of giving in and giving it all to Him.

Here is an excerpt of "Worlds Apart" that really got me reflecting on all of this:

"I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
and wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
the battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain
and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak,
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
the sin-soaked heart and make it yours
take my world all apart
take it now, take it now
and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love
fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross
forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains
and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak
and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart"

Dear Mom...

2010-05-06T19:13:00.000-07:00

You carried me for 9 months in your womb, 9 months of morning sickness and a hospital stay for dehydration. You survived the sleepless nights and thousands of dirty diapers. You wiped my tears when I cried. I scraped my knees and you kissed my "boo boos." You sang to me. You sang with me. You held my hand. When I was afraid you made me feel safe. You have been my encourager, my protector, my disciplinarian, my biggest supporter. You were there for every soccer game, every concert, every school play, every emergency room visit and every adolescent disaster. You sacrificed so much so that I would never have to be without. You prayed...and prayed...and prayed...and prayed. You knew when to say yes. You knew when to say no (even when you didn't want to). You knew when it was time to let go. You juggled 4 children, a job, a home, a husband, being your parents' caretaker, the PTA, church committees, being the girls youth group leader, and you somehow still always managed to have time for me. You always made me feel special. You listened to my problems, and though they were so small at the time, you loved me enough not to minimize them. You gave the best advice. I could trust you with anything. When I suffered, so did you. You have wept silent tears for me that I still do not even know about. You have listened to my fears, reassured me, and reminded me that God is always in control. You have hugged me and made me feel loved for as long as I can remember.

Being a mother myself now I am sure there is so much you have done for me that I am not even aware of. But of what I know, I am in awe. You are deserving of so much honor. You did it all, and you did it with a smile. I am amazed, and as I raise my own child I am learning even more everyday just how much you have done for me. I am so grateful that God chose YOU to be my Mom.

"Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also, and he praises her: "Many women have done excellently, but you surpass them all." Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised." (Proverbs 31:28-30)

You truly have the qualities of a Proverbs 31 woman. I am praising God for you today. Thank you for being my Mom.

Love,
Megan

When My Desires Become Demands

2010-04-13T20:23:00.000-07:00

What do you desire? A new job, recognition, children, a spouse, money, a house, a car? Many of our desires can be Godly. There is nothing wrong with wanting children, someone to share your life with or a nice place to live in. These desires only become wrong when they become our focus, when they take the place of God in our heart.

Do you ever find yourself longing to steal away to spend a few moments with God? Sometimes, throughout the day I will be struck with this feeling. It is similar to the feeling I get when I am anticipating an evening out with my husband, knowing our son will be with a babysitter and we will have no expectations of us except to focus completely on each other. It is one of my favorite things to do, to just "be" with my husband. But I have to ask myself, is it that way with God and me? Do I truly long for Him? To be with Him? To communicate, get to know Him, meditate on Him? He is my Father, my Redeemer, the one man who can and has saved me from eternal damnation, and who has prepared an eternal place for me in Heaven with Him. No one in this life has or can even come close to the place that He should have in my life. I say "should" because although I have those times throughout the day that I wish I could spend with Him, they still do not happen quite as often as they should or as I'd like them to. I would say that I have a long way to go regarding this area. Thank the Lord for sanctification. :)

We really need to examine ourselves. We need to put our lives in order, put our desires in the place they belong. I have had many many desires throughout my life, and I know that all too many times they have taken the place of my Father. They have taken up so much of my heart that I have had very little room left there for God. I've also noticed that during those times in my life, where I am not right spiritually, everything just seems hopeless. It is incredibly shameful.

But there is hope. Now here is the awesome part.

Needless to say the last few months have proven especially trying, but when God has had His proper place in my heart, I have found that I can handle just about anything. When I have faced trials that seem too difficult to bear and sometimes down right frightening, I am reminded of God's promises to me: "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Hebrews 13:5). "If you have faith like a grain of mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, Move from here to there, and it will move, and nothing will be impossible for you" (Matthew 17:20). I cannot express how incredibly empowering this is even in some of the worst circumstances. This is why I will never be able to understand how anyone could hear the Gospel and choose to go their own way. Why anyone would want to go it alone is beyond me. Where there is Christ, there is peace, hope and comfort. And the absolute best part about all of this, is that it is everlasting. There is nothing better, and in my eyes there is no alternative.

May my desire for Him be far greater than my desire for anything else.

Favorite Free 3 of the week!

2010-04-09T10:19:00.000-07:00

With so many great deals out there this week it is hard to choose, but here are my favorite free three items of the week:

Gillette Fusion Power or Manual Razor
Where: Rite Aid
How: combine the online Single Check Rebate program + $4 coupon in the P&G insert in the April 4 newspaper
When: April 4 - April 10

GE Energy Smart Light Bulbs
Where: Target
How: combine Target store coupon for $2 + $1 manufacturer coupon
When: April 4 - April 10

Hall's Cough Drops
Where: Shop Rite
How: $1 coupon from 3/28 newspaper insert
When: April 4 - April 10

"Meeting God"

2010-04-09T09:12:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been immersing myself in an amazing little book "The Valley of Vision," which is a collection of Puritan prayers and devotions. It is so deep and beautiful I simply cannot miss the opportunity to share just a small portion of it. I have been drawn frequently to this prayer entitled "Meeting God" in particular:

Great God,

In public and private, in sanctuary and home,

may my life be steeped in prayer,

filled with the spirit of grace and supplication,

each prayer perfumed with the incense

of atoning blood.

Help me, defend me, until from praying ground

I pass to the realm of unceasing praise.

Urged by my need,

invited by thy promises,

called by thy Spirit,

I enter thy presence,

worshipping thee with godly fear,

awed by thy majesty, greatness, glory,

but encouraged by thy love.

I am all poverty as well as all guilt,

having nothing of my own with which

to repay thee,

But I bring Jesus to thee in the arms of faith,

pleading his righteousness to offset my iniquities,

rejoicing that he will weigh down the scales

for me,

and satisfy thy justice.

I bless thee that great sin draws out great grace,

that, although the least sin

deserves infinite punishment

because done against an infinite God,

yet there is mercy for me,

for where guilt is most terrible,

there thy mercy in Christ is most free and deep.

Bless me by revealing to me more of his saving

merits,

by causing thy goodness to pass before me,

by speaking peace to my contrite heart;

Strengthen me to give thee no rest until Christ

shall reign supreme within me,

in every thought, word, and deed,

in a faith that purifies the heart,

overcomes the world,

works by love,

fastens me to thee,

and ever clings to the cross.

Where is my hope, my heart, my soul these days? What am I focused on? Where is my trust? I recently have been reminded by my sister in Christ and best friend of 18 years, Danielle, that when we face trials those are opportunities, given to us by God himself, to ask Him, "God, what are you trying to teach me right now? In this difficult circumstance, what are you trying to show me, Lord? What do you want me to know?" My prayer today is that God would continue to "Strengthen me to give thee no rest until Christ shall reign supreme within me, in every thought, word, and deed, in a faith that purifies the heart, overcomes the world, works by love, fastens me to thee, and ever clings to the cross."

Surgery

2010-04-06T20:39:00.000-07:00

I had my appointment with the specialist on March 22nd. It went better than I ever could have hoped. My main concerns were preserving my fertility, being able to have a natural birth (not a c-section) and obviously just having my condition corrected. Aron and I were both astounded that when we asked the doctor how many uterine avms he has treated in the past, he said he had embolized about 50 or 60. 50 or 60! Originally, everyone was telling us we should be satisfied if we could find a doctor who had treated even just a couple. But 50 or 60? What a relief it was to hear that. We asked him what the outlook on fertility was like after the procedure. He was optimistic and told us that most of his patients who wanted to have children afterwards were able to do so. Aron and I had also been told by other doctors that even if I was able to get pregnant again I would most likely need to get a c-section. You can imagine our surprise when we found out from this doctor it was actually the opposite. He told us it would be safer to try to have a vaginal delivery.

After I had exhausted the doctor with all of my questions, Aron said "So how soon can we get this fixed?" The doctor scheduled me for an embolization on March 26th. I only had to wait 3 more days to finally have this issue resolved.

I arrived for surgery at Lenox Hill Hospital in NYC early in the morning on March 26th. I was extremely anxious, fighting the memory of my D&C back in December. I don't think I would have been so anxious if the D&C hadn't gone the way it did. It was supposed to be a simple outpatient procedure, and I ended up losing a lot of blood, fainting and being stuck at the hospital longer than expected. I suppose that in combination with the horrific circumstances of my miscarriage made me a little wary of having another surgery. After all, I had been told the D&C would be a simple surgery, and it didn't exactly turn out that way.

Anyway, Aron prayed with me. He held my hand and reassured me over and over again that everything was going to be alright. He listened to my incessant worrying and never once seemed worried himself. I have a strong husband. I don't know what I would do without him... When they wheeled me down the hall all I could think was "Please don't make me let go of his hand. I need him with me." We were separated before they took me into the operating room, and all I could do was pray. Honestly, I don't remember what I prayed. I just remember talking to God.

The next thing I remember was waking up and seeing the doctor. He told me that everything went well. I don't remember anything else he said. I think I was still groggy because I remember waking up again and seeing Aron. I don't remember what I said to Aron. I remember being so relieved that he was there with me. Later on, Aron told me that the first thing I did when I woke up was look at him and in a soft little voice say "Kiss me."

I stayed overnight at the hospital and almost miraculously right after the surgery my bleeding had finally stopped. The next morning I woke up and felt great. The doctor stopped by to see me and show me some before and after pictures of the surgery. It was amazing. Before the surgery there was this ball of tangled veins and blood vessels in my uterus. After the surgery there was nothing, not even a trace of the avm. He told me that it was not as bad as he had expected it may be and that because it was a "low flow" avm the probability of it returning was low. He examined me and I was discharged an hour later.

There are no guarantees. The chances that something like this might happen to me were 1 in millions, maybe even billions. But God was with me for every second the last 4 months. None of this was an accident. It was all for my good. The timing, the places, the people, the events - it was all in God's perfect plan. I am not just another face in the crowd, not just another one of God's many children or a daughter of some distant God who doesn't have time for or interest in me. All of this has transpired for a reason. I may not know why or understand God's plan, but I am completely confident that it has all been for my good. He has got me covered right down to the very last, intricate detail.

My God is SO big.

Goodness in Death

2010-03-12T15:21:00.000-08:00

Some days I cling tightly to Christ, and I feel His presence so strongly. Some days it is more difficult to rely completely on Him, to trust Him. I am learning so much about my Savior lately. Now, as I wait for my appointment to see the specialist I do find my thoughts wandering. I am 1 out of billions of people. Because what I have is so rare, there have not been very many people before me who have been treated for it. Every possible scenario or outcome has run through my head. I'm going to be very transparent here. I've envisioned going to the doctor, having them run tests and being astounded because the avm has shrunk. I've imagined dying on the table during surgery, and I've even imagined somehow getting this thing fixed, getting pregnant and making history by becoming the first woman with a uterine avm to have a full term vaginal birth with twins. (I know. I know. This may be a little far-fetched, but I've seen God work miracles). Some of my imaginary scenarios thrill me, and some of them scare me to death. But you know what? God is really doing a work in my heart. He truly is because I am finding that even when I contemplate the worst case scenarios, He brings the TRUTH to my mind. He puts the memory in my mind of all the promises He's made to me and kept already. Realistically, I should have died during my miscarriage or even during my D&C. For some reason He has seen fit to preserve my life thus far. "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good..." (Romans 8:28). I was blessed that He revealed to me the "goodness" that came from my miscarriage. It is bittersweet. Losing the baby was horrible, but finding out that I may be alive because of it - well, it is overwhelming.

We are so afraid of death. Some of us are afraid of cancer, car accidents, a heart attack, plane crashes, choking to death, suffocation, or some other fatal disease or illness. Yes, there are many many ways to die, too many to count. We could contemplate them all day long. Some of us are comforted by "odds." What I mean by that is we might comfort ourselves by saying, "Well, that won't happen to me. Plane crashes are so rare" or, "I'm in perfect health. The doctor says my heart sounds and looks great," or, "Cancer doesn't run in my family. Everyone in my family has lived to be in their 90s." Then there are others of us who are waiting, expecting something horrible around every corner. We're just waiting for that freak accident to take us, or we see a doctor regularly (I'm not talking just regular appropriate checkups) just hoping to catch a problem before it catches us, or maybe we just think about dying everyday, wondering when it is coming.

There is no true comfort in "odds." We don't know if we are going to be in the minority or the majority. There is no way of knowing if we are the person who is going to live to be 100 or the person who is hit by a car while crossing the street. Please understand. I am not saying this for the sake of being morbid. My point is that no one knows, no matter how young or old, healthy or sick, when our last day is.

Today is the first day that I think I really get this concept. There is nothing that I or even the greatest physician in the world can do to preserve my own life. I can exercise and try to eat right, and those things are great. We should take care of and honor our bodies as God has commanded us to (1 Corinthians 6:19-20), but nothing we do can save us. I want to merge these two concepts together: God is always always good to His children, no matter what our circumstances are, and God is the one who gives us life and chooses when it is time to take it away.

Why then should I be afraid of death? If God is good all the time, then isn't He also good to me in my death? None of us can run away from dying. In fact our birth and death has been predetermined. "Before I formed you in the womb I knew you" (Jeremiah 1:5). So if my time to die is today, tomorrow or 50 years from now it is good. Whenever it is, it will be the perfect time because God is always good.

"And again,

“I will put my trust in him.”

And again,

“Behold, I and the children God has given me.”

Since therefore the children share in flesh and blood, he himself likewise partook of the same things, that through death he might destroy the one who has the power of death, that is, the devil, and deliver all those who through fear of death were subject to lifelong slavery. For surely it is not angels that he helps, but he helps the offspring of Abraham. Therefore he had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make propitiation for the sins of the people. For because he himself has suffered when tempted, he is able to help those who are being tempted." (Hebrews 2:13-18)

2010-03-09T13:30:00.000-08:00

"Brethren, I know no man dies willingly, - no man living can have an habitual inclination to close cheerfully with this dissolution, -- but by looking upon it as a means to come to the enjoyment of Christ. I tell you, your bodies are better to you than all the world, than all your goods, or any thing else. But Christ is better to the soul than any thing: and therefore, unless it be for the enjoyment of Christ, let men pretend what they will, there is no man willing to part with the body, -- to be dissolved. Grow in that desire of coming to Christ, and you will conquer the unwillingness of death."

-- John Owen, The Works of John Owen, Vol. IX, p. 349

A Poem

2010-03-07T19:02:00.000-08:00

This has been a favorite of mine for as long as I can remember. My Grandmother had it on her refrigerator when I was growing up. For obvious reasons, I've reflected on it quite a bit recently:

I may never see tomorrow
There's no written guarantee
And things that happened yesterday
Belong to history.

I cannot predict the future
I cannot change the past
I have just the present moment
I must treat it as my last.

I must use the moment wisely
For it soon will pass away
And be lost to me forever
As part of yesterday.

I must excercise compassion
Help the fallen to their feet
Be a friend unto the friendless
Make an emply life complete.

The unkind things I do today
May never be undone.
Any friendships that I fail to win
May nevermore be won.

I may not have another chance

On bended knee to pray,
And I thank God with humble heart
For giving me this day.

Unknown Author

Coincidence or Providence? (Part 2)

2010-02-28T18:08:00.000-08:00

This is going to be a long one so brace yourself.

Since the D&C in December up until about a week ago, there has been no significant length of time that I haven't been bleeding on some level. I kept telling myself it was my hormones, that my body was just trying to adjust after losing the baby. I WANTED to think that I was being paranoid. As it turns out I wasn't being paranoid at all.

Back when I miscarried, the ultrasound that showed there was no fetal heart rate anymore also caused the radiologist to be suspicious I had a bicornuate uterus. This isn't a life threatening condition, but it can be serious enough that it will sometimes inhibit the survival of a baby in the uterus. To put it simply, a bicornuate uterus is heart-shaped uterus with a septum running down the middle that can cut the uterus in half, thus not leaving enough room for a baby to develop in the womb. Sometimes, if it is severe enough, it will cause miscarriages. So, back to my point. When my doctor read the report and saw suspicion of a bicornuate uterus, he told me to get an MRI a couple months after the miscarriage when my uterus was back to its normal size to investigate this possibility.

On Wednesday of last week I had the MRI done, which uncovered the cause of all of my medical issues and miscarriage in the last few months. The results of that MRI have determined that I have what is called a Uterine AVM (Uterine Arteriovenous Malformation).

I'm sure you have never heard of this condition before. (If you have, I am astounded). AVMs are usually found in the brain or other parts of the body. Uterine AVMs are so rare that there have only been about 100 cases reported throughout the world. It is a life threatening condition in which a section of blood vessels lacks capillary network, resulting from an artery being delivered directly to a vein. This places pressure on the vein, which over time, may weaken and burst causing a hemmorage. It is believed this condition may be congenital or acqured. (This definition was taken from an excerpt at (http://members.tripod.com/~Cath_Fisher/uterineAVM.html). To put it bluntly, if not discovered quickly enough these AVMs can be fatal.

Now, let's back track. Most likely, my miscarriage was caused by this Uterine AVM. Here is the kicker though. Had I NOT had a miscarriage and carried the pregnancy much longer, there is a very good chance, according to my doctor, that I would have hemmoraged and died. Coincidence or providence? (That's rhetorical).

Let's go back to the MRI now. Pay attention now. The reason I went for the MRI was because an ultrasound showed the possibility of bicornuate uterus. Well, the MRI showed that there are NO signs of bicornuate uterus. That MRI was COMPLETELY providence. Had the radiologist not made the mistake of seeing a bicornuate uterus I may never have had that MRI. Had I not had the MRI, I may not have discovered I had a Uterine AVM. Had I not discovered I had a Uterine AVM...you get the picture.

Let's go back to the D&C now. It is a well known fact that when a woman has a Uterine AVM, it is just about the riskiest and worst thing to do a D&C. The results can be catastrophic. My hemmorage after the D&C was most likely caused by the Uterine AVM. As a side note, in all fairness to my doctor, there is really almost no way he could have known I had a Uterine AVM at this point. This condition is so rare, that I do not know if any doctor would have thought my bleeding during this miscarriage was caused by it. I am just grateful that God guided his hands so that he was able stop the bleeding. Knowing now how a D&C could have been fatal for me at that point - I realize God spared my life yet again that day. Coincidence? No way.

Sheer providence. All of it. I have left out several other examples, that are equally as incredible as those listed above, of God's providence during this time, because they involve other people. I want to respect their privacy so I do not want to mention any names. But isn't this enough? My life was spared over and over again. The only reason we came to my diagnosis was because of a "mistake" a radiologist made. What a wonderful mistake that was! After all of this, I just cannot understand how anyone could even WONDER if there is a God. This post only covers a few examples over the last 3 months of His obvious existence and love and mercy. I could go back throughout my life and list example after example.

Today, I am just overcome by Him.

"Fear not, for I am with you;
be not dismayed, for I am your God;
I will strengthen you, I will help you,
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."
(Isaiah 41:10)

Coincidence or Providence? (Part 1)

2010-02-28T17:29:00.000-08:00

I'm going to venture away from my usual topics today. I have been avoiding writing anything about this subject due to its deeply personal nature, but I feel that I can no longer omit it as it has become such a huge part of my daily life.

I suffered a miscarriage in December of last year (2009). I learned I was pregnant in November and had heavy bleeding with large clots for about 4 weeks before we found out our baby no longer had a heartbeat. Yes, it was one of the most difficult things I have ever been through. After some episodes of severely heavy bleeding, several ultrasounds, trips to the doctor, a visit to the emergency room and weeks of praying, God in His mercy took our little one home to be with him. On December 23rd, I went in for a scheduled D&C to remove the tissue that my body was not passing. When I was being prepared for surgery they took my temperature and discovered I was beginning to run a fever. The nurse informed me that had I waited much longer I may have been in a very serious situation. In God's providence He spared me from a possibly dangerous infection.

When I came out of anesthesia and saw the doctor standing in front of me he told me that I lost an unusual amount of blood after the procedure but assured me that the procedure had been successful. This is one of the most amazing examples of God's providence during this ordeal, but I'm not going to explain why just yet. You will read about this more later on.

Losing my baby was the most painful trial I have ever experienced. But here I am 3 months later, and just a few days ago God has blessed me by allowing me to see just a glimmer of his amazing, unfathomable providence. My miscarriage probably saved my life.

My God Is So Big

2010-02-25T12:34:00.001-08:00

I woke up this morning with the song "My God Is So Big" in my head. I've been reciting the lyrics all day: "My God is so big. So strong and so mighty. There's nothing my God cannot do." I do not remember when my mother taught us this song, but I remember singing it often growing up (as well as doing all the hand motions that go along with it). Perhaps you're familiar with it. It is, after all, a children's classic.

I'm 27, and now that I'm a parent I find myself reflecting often on ways to teach and submerge my son in Scripture and learn who his Savior is. As I look back on my life I have often noticed that many of the Bible verses I have memorized I have learned through songs that my mother taught and played for us. Some of my favorites are Romans 8:28, Lamentations 3:22-23, and Romans 3:23. I can even still remember the tunes that go along with them.

Because I see how effective this method was in my life, I plan on using it with my son as well. Thanks to Ethan's Gran, we will be using the Hermie and Friends series. It is available for purchase here http://www.hermieandfriends.com/index.asp?view=music. We've been listening to these since Christmas, and I've been very pleased with them.

I think it is extremely important to remember that the point of memorizing Scripture isn't just for the sake of being able to rattle verses off. While we are teaching our children about Jesus, they need to know that it isn't just memorization for the sake of memorization. They need to KNOW Jesus, to understand the Scripture they are memorizing.

There are several reasons for Scripture memorization, and as we enter different stages of our lives we will find that knowing God's Word is absolutely key to living truly happy and fulfilling lives. It is the key to truly KNOWING God, the One who has given us life and breath. I will never understand how anyone, after knowing that their very existence hinges on our Creator, would not WANT to know Him better. If there is anyone in this life that we should want to invest our time in, why wouldn't it be Him? I confess that I fail in this area of my life. My priorities do not always put Him before anything or anyone else. I pray that He would work in my heart to change that. I pray also that He might spare my son from inheriting such a sinful quality from me.

In recent months, I have been challenged. My faith has been challenged, and one of the greatest comforts and reminders of God's promises to me has come from those Scriptures that I have memorized since I was a child. In this example alone, the effort that my parents put in to teaching us God's Word has paid off. I have had some extremely low days and moments, and it has been God's awesome promises that have lifted me up.

"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Rom. 8:28)

"Let not your hearts be troubled. Believe in God; believe also in Me." (John 14:1)

There are many others, but these two stand out in my mind today. I am often fearful about my current health situation, but my husband is quick to remind me of the truth and who my real Healer is. I hope and pray that this time in my life teaches me to remember always, even in the darkest moments, that my God is so big, strong and mighty there is nothing He cannot do.

Why I Won't Have a Garage Sale Ever Again

2010-02-24T07:25:00.000-08:00

I used to think that having a garage sale was a great way to make a little extra cash (just enough for my husband and I to go to Ruby Tuesday's for dinner :) yum). I thought it was worth all of the time spent gathering my stuff up and setting it up outside, sitting all day trying to sell it and then at the end of having to put whatever was left away. Every year I ended up having more to put out because I would have to put the previous garage sale leftovers with all of the new stuff I wanted to get rid of.

And then my neighbor told me about www.lupuspickup.org. Now, maybe everyone already knows about this. Maybe I'm the last one to find out. All I know is thanks to www.lupuspickup.org I will never have a garage sale again.

All you have to do is take ANYTHING you have that you want to get rid of, and when I say ANYTHING I mean ANYTHING. You can go to their website and schedule a pickup online, or you can call the Lupus Pickup phone number at 1-888-44-LUPUS. You schedule the pickup, leave all of your stuff outside your garage door or front door at 7am the morning they are coming for the pickup and they come by at some point that day and take it away for you.

It is so simple, and there are so many benefits.

1. You are donating to a good cause.
2. It's a tax write off (this is my favorite benefit).
3. You don't have to set everything up for a garage sale and sit there all day (sometimes in very hot weather or muggy, rainy weather), and you don't have to put anything away. They will take anything you want to give them.
4. This is a great opportunity to do some spring cleaning and "decluttering."

No more garage sales for me!

Heaven is My Home

2010-02-21T19:47:00.000-08:00

I confess that lately it has been a real challenge to stay positive, to stay dependent solely on Christ. I have been dealing with some difficult medical issues over the last several months. My faith is being stretched and strengthened daily, and some days are better than others.

I was truly struck by the message at church today. We were reading from Romans 8. Verses 18 through 25 say:

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of Him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we are saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees: But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience."

When the pastor reminded us that this is not our home, that we are "visiting" here I felt my eyes well up with tears. There was a time that when I heard that concept mentioned I felt a twinge of sadness at the thought of leaving this earth, not being with my family or friends and giving up the silly pleasantries of this life. The thought of death frightened me; I associated it with pain and suffering. How foolish! Today when my eyes welled up with tears at the thought of leaving this place, I felt relief. I felt joy and excitement at the thought of leaving all of this behind and being with my Savior, the thought of living in eternal bliss and having peace forever. The thought of going home...

I love my husband, my son, my parents, my siblings, my church and my friends. I have a great life. God has blessed us over and over and over again with so much more than we deserve or need. I have no right to complain about anything. Every breath that God gives me, every second is a gift. I am grateful for His goodness to me. But as I get older and grow closer to meeting my Heavenly Father and as I learn more about the beauty and overwhelming fulfillment of being in His great and wonderful presence, I groan for that day. I long to be in my Father's presence.

At the close of the sermon this morning we sang "It is Well with My Soul." I choked back tears as I recited the words, "Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, Let this blest assurance control, That Christ has regarded my helpless estate, And hath shed His own blood for my soul." The reason for my reaction was twofold. The first being that I can ALWAYS still hear my Grandad's voice singing the lyrics. This was a favorite of his. He, a man who suffered severe physical ailments for most of his adult life, would really belt it out when we sang it. The second being that these lyrics are as though they were written just for me. They echo the sentiment that I have felt in my heart for the last few months.

Before the service was over the pastor also reminded us that suffering is to be expected in this life. We are not guaranteed anything on this earth. Being a Christian doesn't mean that we will have a loving or respectful spouse, perfect children, good health, money, a job or even a home. In fact, what we are actually GUARANTEED is suffering. "The whole creation" is "groaning together in the pains of childbirth." But we are also guaranteed this: Our suffering does not even come close to comparing "with the glory that is to be revealed to us." Oh, to taste that glory!

While I am navigating my way through each day here and facing some difficult circumstances lately this is my comfort. A concept that once was a source of sadness, and even sometimes fear, has finally become my peace, just as it should be.

"Come, Lord Jesus."

2010-02-19T18:56:00.000-08:00

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
His mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is Your faithfulness.
"The Lord is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore, I will hope in Him.

Lamentations 3:22-24

$25 Restaurant.com Gift Certificates for only $3!

2010-02-11T11:11:00.000-08:00

Click on the link and use discount code "PAYPAL" at checkout. You will get 80% off the cost of the gift certificate.

www.restaurant.com

Bon appetit!

Going Organic on the Cheap

2010-02-11T06:40:00.000-08:00

For a whole bunch of great coupons from Organic Valley click here:

http://www.organicvalley.coop/coupons/

And if you want even more great coupons, a Kids' activity flyer, newsletter and bumper stickers click here http://www.organicvalley.coop/farm-friends/moo/join-moomom/ to join M.O.O. Mothers (& Fathers) of Organic. All you have to do is provide your mailing address.

With all of printable coupons on the internet now, going organic doesn't have to be expensive!

Get this Sampler

2010-02-10T10:20:00.001-08:00

GREAT Free Music

2010-02-10T09:38:00.001-08:00

One word...or should I say one website: www.noisetrade.com.

I've been using this website for over a year now and have gotten countless free songs and albums. It's simple. There's no contract, no fees and you don't have to give your credit card information. Best of all, they won't bombard you with a bunch of obnoxious emails.

Here's how it works. Click on the link (www.noisetrade.com), and start sampling all kinds of music. Most of it is Christian, and not only that it's REALLY REALLY GOOD Christian music. You can either email 5 friends about the album you want to download or pay noisetrade any amount of money over a dollar.

I have been very impressed and can honestly say I haven't downloaded one single song or album that has disappointed me. I cannot think of even one drawback associated with using this website.

Most of the music sounds like artists like Ray LaMontagne, Feist, Surfjan Stevens, Muse, Kings of Leon, Snow Patrol, Travis and U2.

Some of my favorite artists from noisetrade have been Lovelite, Lovedrug, Matthew Perryman Jones, Derek Webb and Katie Herzig.

Try it. You'll like it.

Bob's Red Mill Bran Flax Muffins (with some extra healthy twists)

2010-02-10T09:00:00.000-08:00

This is one of my favorite recipes because it is really healthy but still really delicious. I've made a few changes and substituted egg whites for whole eggs, molasses and honey for brown sugar, craisins for raisins, and organic whole wheat flour for pastry flour. Even my husband (who is not the biggest fan of "healthy") has given these muffins his seal of approval. Don't be fooled by the picture. They're more appetizing than they look. My camera doesn't have very good resolution. :)

Ingredients

Directions

Mix together flour, Bob's Red Mill Flaxseed Meal, oat bran, honey, molasses, baking soda, baking powder, salt and cinnamon in a large bowl. Stir in carrots, apples, craisins (if desired) and nuts. Combine milk, beaten eggs and vanilla. Pour liquid ingredients into dry ingredients. Stir until ingredients are moistened. DO NOT OVER MIX. Fill muffin cups 3/4 full. Bake at 350 degrees F for 15-20 minutes.

Makes about 20 muffins.

Nutritional Info

Servings Per Recipe: 20
Amount Per Serving
Calories: 98.9

Total Fat: 2.5 g
Cholesterol: 0.2 mg
Sodium: 229.2 mg
Total Carbs: 17.6 g
Dietary Fiber: 2.9 g
Protein: 3.1 g

We as Women

2010-02-01T13:00:00.000-08:00

The majority of books that I've been reading the last couple of years have been centered around homemaking and rearing children. One of the things that has struck me so many times is the great privilege and responsibility that we women have in taking care of our husbands, children and others in our church family. The concept does not discriminate. It is our DUTY as women, whether we are single, married or even widowed. I have often fought and struggled with thoughts of inadequacy like "what I do doesn't matter. I stay home and raise a child and take care of my husband and home." (Look back at my blog over the last year and you will see what I mean). In reading these books, I have gained a wonderful and warm sense of fulfillment knowing that what I do is so much more than that. It is so beautiful for all of us, no matter what season of life we are in or heading towards, that we have such a grand responsibility as daughters in Christ. All women, mothers or not, can teach Sunday School, lead a Bible Study, reach out to the teenage girls at church who are just trying to get through what seems like the toughest years of their lives, or bring meals to the sick and elderly.

I think the point that I'm trying to get to is that we as women are capable and gifted in such a way that we can care for all of those around us, be it friends, family or even strangers, and be a light for Christ whether we are in the home or out in the world with our peers. It is not an easy concept to wholeheartedly accept, but we MUST. And we must not only accept it, but we must LIVE it. We have to ask ourselves wherever we are, at church, the grocery store, the office, on the street, in the car, in front of our children, in front of our spouse, at the mall, at our children's sporting events, "When people look at me, can they see Jesus?"

Thankful in all things

2009-11-26T05:26:00.000-08:00

I am thankful that in my simple human mind what I deem as bad for me, my Savior knows better. He allows me to go through trials and difficult circumstances to grow me into someone more like His Son Jesus.

1Thessalonians 5:16-18 - "Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

That word "all" stands out for me at this time in my life. We are to be thankful in ALL circumstances. No matter how bleak our situation, there is always much to be thankful for. We can even be thankful for the situation itself because any time we have difficulty to overcome we know there is an opportunity to grow.

This earth is only a pitstop in our journey to eternity. This is where we face opportunity and challenges everyday where we can decide whether we will hide and wither and stunt our growth or we will rise to the occasion, honor our loving Father and allow Him to shape us and sanctify us into the children He would have us be.

We are not promised tomorrow, an easy life, lots of money and possessions, a husband or wife to share our life with, a roof over our heads, good health, lots of children or anything else that we might desire. Each of these is a gift. Maybe we even have one or all of these, and maybe it just isn't exactly HOW we want it. Maybe we don't have enough money. Maybe we don't like our house. Maybe we don't like our spouse. Maybe we have children but not as many as we would like, or maybe they don't behave the way we'd like them to. Maybe we are healthy, but we don't feel like we're 16 again. Isn't it interesting that no matter how God has blessed us, it just never seems to be enough. The truth is we are not owed anything, yet if we really ponder and really consider our circumstances we are all blessed in some way.

I am amazed when I look around me and see so many Godly men and women who have either gone before me or are still living with some type of daily struggle. I've seen women battle cancer and still do it with a smile on their face. I've seen them take care of their husbands and children happily. I've seen them, no matter how afflicted, drive themselves to church so they can worship and thank their heavenly Father who has blessed them with another day. I've seen men have to stop working and doing the things they love because of a life threatening illness, unable to provide for their family and reduced to sitting in a chair in their backyard, still thankful to be alive. I've seen women lose their husbands unexpectedly and raise their small children alone without complaint or bitterness, still teaching them how good God is. I've seen women who are barren, overcoming their own disappointment enough to open their home to children they have never met before and raising them as their own.

I am thankful today for so much. God has given me so much more than I deserve. I am thankful for the example and standard that so many Godly men and women have set for me. I can only hope to develop just SOME of the character that they have exhibited.

To God be the glory. He has given me so much, and I lack nothing.

Happy Belated Halloween!

2009-11-13T18:59:00.003-08:00

I should have posted these days ago. I can't resist. He is just too perfect...

Our little scarecrow...

Freebies & Saving $$$

2009-11-13T18:11:00.001-08:00

I have been obsessively clipping coupons ever since I got my driver's license (it's been 10 years already!) In the last few months I've really kicked it into overdrive. I get multiple items for free every week now, and I think I've gotten my system down to a science. Here are some easy, helpful tips to get the most out of your money and to get the most without SPENDING your money:

1. Buy at least 3 newspapers for triple the amount of coupons each week. This is key, especially when there is a sale on items that you have to buy multiples of to take advantage of the sale price.

2. Match your coupons against all of your local grocery stores, chain stores and drug stores weekly circular. I probably visit at least 3 of these stores in my area each week to take advantage of each of their deals that week. For example, at CVS one week I got my husband a free Gillette Fusion razor. That same week I got 2 sample sizes of Tide detergent and 1 sample size of All detergent at Target. I also got free frozen vegetables at Shop Rite and 4 free pints of Starbucks ice cream, among numerous other items that I cannot recall at the moment. Another week, I got 2 free bottles of salad dressing, 3 free candy bars and 2 free bags of shredded cheese at Walmart. After a few weeks of searching for these types of deals you should have a pretty good idea what stores are going to give you the best deals. This is your core group of stores where you should focus your energy.

3. Take advantage of rebate programs. Rite Aid has a fantastic rebate program. Last month alone I made $60 back in overages, earned a $20 gift card and got $100 in free products, just for purchasing rebate items and using my coupons. This is a great opportunity to make some money and get lots of free products. I charged everything to my credit card and a month later had a check mailed to me to cover the amount that I charged plus the additional $60. This program has been my biggest money maker so far.

4. I cannot emphasize this one enough - scour the internet for coupons. I get many of my freebies from checking out coupon forums to see what deals other people are getting and from printing my coupons off the internet. www.coupons.com and www.hotcouponworld.com are both great sites. I also get many of my deals from checking out blogs like www.thethriftymommy.blogspot.com and www.krazycouponlady.blogspot.com. I've gotten free mp3 downloads and tons of free samples through the mail because I follow websites like these.

5. Combine manufacturers coupons with store coupons. Target is a great place to do this. You can get something free or very close to free every week from this store just by combining sale items with store and manufacturers coupons. A couple weeks ago I got several bags of Chex Mix from doing this. Skippy peanut butter was only a few cents a couple weeks before that. Most recently I got 2 packages of baby wipes for free using just a Target store coupon. Sometimes, it isn't even necessary to have BOTH a manufacturer and store coupon to get something for free.

6. The more time you put in now, the less time it will take you later. Many people are turned off by the idea of couponing for the sake of time constraints. Here's what I would say to this: it is an investment that pays itself off quickly and if maintained properly will take up less time the longer you keep up with it. I have two coupon filing systems - one is for groceries, the other is for eating out/house (drycleaning, home repairs, etc.)/clothing. Because I have these filing systems set up, every week when I clip my new coupons I already have an organized way to keep track of them. I probably spend about 30 minutes a week clipping my coupons from the newspapers and filing them and about an hour comparing my coupons with whatever sales are going on that week. I save an average of roughly $40 to $50 a week (and maybe even sometimes more than that) on our grocery bill. You do the math.

7. Farmers Markets - Okay, so this part isn't really about coupons, but I have to share anyway because this concept is close to my heart. I LOVE cooking with whole foods. I'm not really one to buy processed foods for my family. Because of that, vegetables and fruits are a staple in our home. Since I have been buying our produce at the Farmers Market our fruit and vegetable grocery bill has been slashed in half. Some weeks, if the week prior I have stocked up on meat and other items, I don't even have to visit the grocery store. I love avoiding the hustle of the grocery store and the long lines whenever I can. At the Farmers Market everything is fresh, cheap and I'm in and out quick.

I'm going to stop here for now.

Happy couponing!!!

God ALWAYS provides even when we're not looking...

2009-11-10T08:19:00.000-08:00

It is so easy for us to wake up in the morning, rush through our day and forget about all that God has provided for us, even the smallest things. This morning my husband woke up at 4am with his throat closing up. We had a normal evening, went to bed, not a hint that anything was wrong. Allow me to point out from the second he woke up up until we returned home all that we had to be thankful for.

I'm thankful he wasn't traveling on business by himself yet. He was scheduled to take a train at 5:30 this morning and travel until 12:30 this afternoon. This happened only an hour before he would have left the house. I'm thankful my sister in law happened to be visiting. Our son woke up crying while we were getting ready to leave for the emergency room. Sarah (my sister in law) stepped right in and took care of him so we didn't have to be concerned with getting him ready to bring with us. I'm thankful the hospital is about a 3 minute drive from our house. I'm thankful for healthcare and that we even HAVE a hospital. I'm thankful that the waiting room was empty when we got to the emergency room. Aron was able to see a doctor right away. I'm thankful for wisdom and the minds that God has given us so that doctors can learn how to save people's lives. I'm thankful for modern medicine. The doctor was able to give Aron IV antibiotics and something to reverse the swelling in his throat.

The thing that stood out the most to me during the sequence of events this morning was this though:

I'm thankful for my husband. Not long ago, I was stung by a bee in the middle of the night, and Aron drove ME to the emergency room. I vividly remember feeling panicked (I tend to have allergic reactions to the things as well as anxiety). I also remember him holding my hand and telling me everything was going to be okay. This time, it was him who was in danger, and I was supposed to be HIS comforter. I found myself becoming anxious for him. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to possibly worry him more. As I was gripping the wheel and wishing I could fly to the hospital he just looked at me, reassuringly squeezed my hand and said, "It's okay...I'm okay."

I am amazed at my husband's composure and strength in situations like these. Even in situations that look bleak or frightening for him, he manages to stay calm and comfort ME. I'm thankful for him, not for having a husband...but having HIM for my husband.

The Best 100% Whole Wheat (with a little flax) Homemade Bread Ever

2009-11-05T11:07:00.000-08:00

Anyone who knows me well knows about my ongoing obsession with using whole ingredients when I'm cooking or baking, especially flax seed. I found this recipe online a few months ago and have tried baking this bread regularly every couple of weeks or so. It has been delicious from the beginning, but now... perfection. After several attempts using different measurements and ingredients I have come up with what I believe is FANTASTIC, healthy, homemade bread. But here is the absolute best part - it's super easy. I don't have a bread machine so I do this by hand. (I know that sounds intimidating relative to time management, but trust me, it doesn't take long at all). Here it is:

Ingredients:

1 3/8 c. hot water

1/6 c. olive oil (I use Smart Balance oil sometimes)

2/3 c. milled flax seed

1/6 c. honey

1 tbsp. molasses

1/2 tbsp. sea salt

about 3 c. whole wheat flour

1 tbsp. active yeast

1. Mix together water, oil, flax seed, honey, molasses and salt.

2. Add 1 c. flour and the yeast. Mix.

3. Add the other 2 c. of flour a little at a time while mixing until the consistency becomes even. There should be just enough flour to keep the dough from sticking to the bowl. The less flour you can get away with using the better. I usually don't need more than a total of 3 cups. Try not to overmix it.

4. Leave the dough in the bowl and cover with a dish towel or cloth. Let it rise for about 45 minutes. It should almost double in size.

5. Grease a loaf pan with cooking spray. (I like to use a stoneware pan. It always comes out perfectly baked all the way through without being too tough on the outside. I also use Smart Balance cooking spray to grease the pan).

6. Knead dough and drop it on to a floured surface. Knead some more. Return dough to bowl. Allow to rise for another 30 - 45 minutes.

7. When dough has doubled in size again, remove it from the bowl and place on a floured surface once more. Knead again and shape into oblong loaf. Place into loaf pan. Let it rise. This part takes a couple hours some time. I have the best luck when I leave the dough in front of a sunny window. It should just about double in size.

8. When the dough looks like it is about ready to bake, preheat the oven to 350 degrees.

9. Bake for 30 - 35 minutes.

10. When bread is done, remove from oven and pan and cool on rack.

You can eat it right away. We love it with a mixture of extra virgin olive oil (or grapeseed oil), a little fresh ground black pepper and grated parmesan cheese. When the bread is completely cool, wrap it in a layer of plastic wrap and a layer of foil. You can leave it out on your counter, and it should stay fresh for a few days.

"Feminine Appeal" by Carolyn Mahaney

2009-10-15T07:13:00.000-07:00

Oh, where to begin. I finally finished "Feminine Appeal." I don't know why it took me so long. It's a fantastic book. I suppose having a 9 month old and having the tendency to be easily distracted could be reason enough.

I'll just get right to it...

I marked off several pages (which is what I do whenever I see something I'm reading that I want to refer back to) in the second chapter alone"The Delight of Loving My Husband." Carolyn recalls to mind that before they were married her husband would often be too busy with his ministry and forget to eat. She didn't mind because she was so thankful for just his company that she would ignore her own hunger pangs. Not long after they were married she began to resent that they would miss meals. She wondered how he could be so selfish as to be so engrossed in his ministering to other people that he would forget about her own discomfort. The key here is this: It wasn't her husband that had changed; it was her. Where were those loving feelings that she initially had for this man? They were replaced with sinful thoughts of anger. She lost her patience with him while he was learning how to care for his new bride. I was really struck when I read this paragraph:

"If we find that our affection for our husband is waning or has subsided altogether, then we do not need to look any further than our own hearts. Where sin is present, warm affection dissipates. Anger, bitterness, criticism, pride, selfishness, fear, laziness - all vigorously oppose tender love. This love cannot survive in a heart that harbors sin."

Wow. Guilty as charged of all of the above. These sins will choke the life out of a marriage. I can attest to this. Where my "self" becomes the priority, there is no room for love or warmth. We can point the finger at the other person all day long, but when it comes down to it we are responsible for how we react and feel. I am not saying that it is okay for a husband to treat his wife unjustly, but even if he does, a sinful reaction on her part is just that - SIN.

It has become far too easy in my life for me to justify my actions because I feel I have been wronged, whether by my husband or someone else. Again, Carolyn writes "When we see our husbands as sinners like ourselves - sinners in need of God's grace and mercy - it strips away any intolerant, critical, or demanding attitude we may be tempted to have. Every husband has areas where he needs to change and grow, but so do we!" How true this has been in my life. I have wronged my Savior over and over and over again, but I am so quick to forget that fact. I continue to stumble and sin against him on a daily basis. What right do I have to look at ANYONE else like they are worse than me. If I could just hold on to this truth, I can only imagine the world of difference it would make in my marriage and my relationships with others.

"Feminine Appeal" is so filled with Godly wisdom for wives it's worth reading yearly. There is much more I could add here, but in the essence of time I will leave it at that.

Seeing Value in Being a Mother

2009-10-15T04:23:00.001-07:00

I have only been a mother for 9 months. My son doesn't know the difference between right and wrong yet. He knows to cry when he's hungry, tired or needs his diaper changed. He smiles and laughs when he is happy (and what a beautiful sight and sound that is!) This is as far as his world extends at this point in his life. Sometimes I struggle with seeing the value in "mothering." Because my son's only needs include diapering, feeding and sleeping, those are my only duties at this point. Lately I often catch myself giving into exhaustion and my feelings and allowing myself to fall into an attitude that doesn't exemplify that of a Godly mother.

Here is a quote from John Angell James' book "Female Piety" that I keep coming back to:

"At a pastoral conference, held not long since, at which about one hundred and twenty American clergymen, united in the bonds of common faith, were assembled, each was invited to state the human instrumentality to which, under the Divine blessing, he attributed to a change of heart. How many of these, think you, gave the honour of it to their mother? Of one hundred twenty, above one hundred! Here then are facts, which are only selected from myriads of others, to prove a mother's power, and to demonstrate at the same time her responsibility."

What a reminder of the great privilege we have to raise our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord! There is no greater objective a mother must have for her child. There is nothing wrong with desiring good things like happiness and success for our children, but these things are fleeting. When we are gone, and our children breathe their last breath and it's time for them to meet their Maker where will their happiness and successes in life and personal fulfillment fall? Will it matter? Our lives on this earth are no comparison to our lives on the other side of eternity. I know it will be so tempting for me to put their comfort and joy on this earth before everything else, but I hope and pray I will not give into this desire. I'm not there yet, but this is something that I know I need to praying on and preparing myself for. They need to love and know their Savior better than they know anything else.

So, when I find myself getting impatient and doubting my value as a mother, I keep coming back to that quote. It is easy to become impatient with the sleepless nights and exhaustion that come with raising a baby, and I do continue to struggle...but I will continue to remind myself of the greater goal that is ahead of me.

"Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,

the fruit of the womb a reward." (Psalm 127:3)

What a great responsibility and amazing gift the Lord has bestowed upon us.

2009-10-01T05:34:00.000-07:00

Ethan has a monkey on his back!

so long sweet summer...

2009-09-22T05:29:00.001-07:00

Our little boy loves the warm weather and loves to swim already, just like his Daddy.

thankful

2009-09-22T05:06:00.000-07:00

I am thankful. I love my job. Wiping a runny nose, changing & washing dirty diapers, washing & folding laundry, washing dishes, ironing, waking up every 1/2 hour to comfort my ill child, making dinner, shopping for dinner, vacuuming, running errands...taking walks with my son in his stroller, hearing the chime on my phone signaling my husband's text message "I miss you...I love you...Wish I was at home with you...," hearing my son's belly laugh, receiving my husband's hug after a long day at work, putting my son down on the floor for 5 minutes, leaving the room to tend to making the bed and finding him 10 feet across the room (he's not even crawling yet).

To the feminist population, this would probably be a disgusting display, but for me - it's all I've ever wanted. It may seem ridiculous to millions of women, maybe even most women, but this is what I was designed for. Sure, there are times that I grumble. I can be sick and delirious with exhaustion, but overall I still love my job. I wouldn't trade being a wife and mother for anything in the world.

I am thankful for my husband who provides for us and actually ENCOURAGES me to stay home to raise our child, who after a long hard day at the office is more than willing to stop at the grocery store for me to pick up the lettuce I forgot when I was there earlier and then watch our son for a couple hours so I can take a bath, read, recharge my batteries or do anything I'd like to relax, who brings me flowers "just because," who writes me poetry, who prays with and for me, who serves me elaborate breakfasts in bed every single day for 2 weeks while I'm pregnant and on bedrest, who goes to work all week to make it possible for me to be a "stay-at-home mom." He never complains, never tires, and never forgets to show his affection.

I lack nothing. I am so grateful to God. I am totally undeserving. I am totally humbled.

Another Milestone

2009-07-08T16:43:00.000-07:00

Ethan rolled over this morning, and unfortunately I missed it. I put him down on his playmat, so I could go take a shower. I heard him chattering away as he usually does, and when I came back to check on him there he was on his stomach.

I'm amazed, even after all of the warnings that I have received from so many other mothers, at the speed at which Ethan is growing and changing. It seems like every week he's doing something new. It is just unthinkable that it has already been almost 6 months since he was born. I try so hard to hold on to each stage, to memorize his face, his movements and his sounds, but time just keeps on flying by. Memories start to fade just a little more each day. I look at him on his changing table, and it seems like yesterday he was only half this size. I would love to freeze time right now at this stage he's at. He's beautiful.

Our New Addition

2009-01-22T17:33:00.000-08:00

Ethan Joshua Gahagan
6 lb. 14 oz.
January 21st, 2009
1:54 am

a short two months

2009-01-05T19:40:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's been over 2 months since I've posted something on here. Time flies!

I've had a lot of people tell me that the end of a pregnancy goes by the slowest. I hate to do this (not really), but I have to STRONGLY disagree. It seems like it's going by faster and faster every week. It's so hard to believe I'm almost 35 weeks along at this point. In a month I could be holding my first child in my arms. Completely surreal.

I have been very blessed with a relatively "mild" pregnancy as my husband puts it (and he's right). There really have been no complications, and I have pretty much been able to go about my day to day life without much changing. The last couple of weeks have been a little different, I suppose, but for the most part it's been smooth sailing.

However, when I went to the doctor's today I was informed that things may be progressing a little too quickly. Apparently my cervix has gotten thin, and the baby's head is very low. This in essence means BED REST.

It's only been a day, and of course my initial reaction is that of a very selfish one. "What about the grocery shopping?" "I'm not done cleaning up from Christmas." "There's laundry to be done." "Who's going to make dinner?" "I'm going to be stuck on the sofa or in bed all day?" "I have a lot of living to do!" Yes, I know. It all sounds VERY whiney.

But I see the blessing. My husband has really stepped up to the plate. He has no problem running up and down the stairs to get me a glass of water every half hour, as well as carrying things around for me and not letting me get up or move around a lot. Did I mention the half hour foot massage he gave me tonight (and already has been doing on a regular basis)?

Some very dear friends came over right away with a meal for our dinner tonight (thank you, Greg and Natalie!). A true expression of love within our congregation. What a blessing! And even enough food for tomorrow night.

Instead of taking on the "me" attitude, I am going to be challenged for at least the next two weeks to put someone else's needs before my own - my baby.

A couple of women in my life have been such an encouragement to me recently regarding my situation. They have reminded me that God is in control and that I should take advantage of this time to rest, reflect on what is about to happen to our expanding family, pray, read, and enjoy not having any "expectations" of me. I am truly blessed, and I am thankful now for this special gift of "time" from God. I trust that He will show me how best to use it and that all things are in His hands.

Only 3 1/2 Months Left

2008-10-28T11:35:00.000-07:00

Here I am at about 23 weeks. Only 3 1/2 months to go. I can't wait!

Ultrasound Pics - 24 Weeks!

2008-10-28T11:26:00.001-07:00

For those of you who are not used to viewing ultrasound pictures the first one is a picture of the baby's profile. The next one is the baby's face, and the last one is a picture of what looked on the monitor at the doctor's office like the baby yawning. :)

"Spiritual Mothering" by Susan Hunt

2008-10-28T10:34:00.000-07:00

I recently finished this book and was very impressed. Sometimes it's difficult for me to stick with one book at a time. I usually start one, and then another one, and then another one and so on...but this time I was able to focus on just one. Yes, it was that good.

Whenever I read a book, I usually pick out one statement in it that really strikes me. In this case, it was a quote from the author on page 43 - "An exalted view of God will shape a Biblical world view that permeates all of life for the woman of faith." You're probably reading this and thinking, "Hmmmm...okay...I'm not sure what makes this so profound." Well, let me explain.

In almost every book I read by a Christian author whether it be related to marriage, relationships, depression, sin issues and just life in general each author comes back to one central point - glory. Not just glory, but God's glory. Everything we say, do and think reflects on our Savior. And what is the chief end of man (man's primary purpose)? To glorify our Savior and enjoy Him forever.

"Spiritual Mothering" is exactly what it's title conveys. Susan Hunt defines spiritual mothering as this: "When a woman possessing faith and spiritual maturity enters into a nurturing relationship with a younger woman in order to encourage and equip her to live for God's glory." I like this definition because it is two-fold. For the woman who is being mothered, she is learning how to live for God's glory and in essence is glorifying God even just in the LEARNING process. For the woman who is mothering, she is glorifying God by teaching another woman HOW to glorify God. Isn't that a beautiful picture? And how important are both of these roles! The woman who is mothering is passing something on that is absolutely necessary for ALL women of faith to learn, that Lord willing will continue to be passed on to many future generations.

Women have a major role in society on so many levels. We have the ability to build a man up, to raise our children to know Jesus on the most intimate level and to share insights and a perspective that men do not have. We can complement men in a way that will make them most effective in their labors for God. I have to mention one important fact here - a woman need not be in just a marriage relationship to have this effect. There are many ways this can be lived out, but I won't get into them in this post.

I feel like maybe I'm sounding scattered here, but with time constraints I will have to expound more on this subject another time. The point is that if our hearts and eyes are set solely on the work of our heavenly Father, this will spill over into ALL areas of our life. We have opportunities too numerous to mention - at work, the grocery store, in our relationships with other women (young and old), spouses and children (ours and others), at church, in our homes and every time we step out our front door. We need to take them so that the Holy Spirit continues to do a work in us preparing us to meet Him, and in turn will do a work in others so that they might know Him and have the joy that we are so blessed to possess.

May all women of faith heed the call to take their role in this life seriously, learning and doing the work that God has set apart just for us, and may He be glorified in such a way that the Holy Spirit exudes from our entire being and permeates the globe.

The Quest to Save $

2008-10-20T07:57:00.000-07:00

It seems that Aron and I have tightened our belt about as much as we can.... or have we? We already clip coupons, shop sale items, buy things in bulk (at Sam's Club), use credit cardv rewards programs (5% back on grocery, pharmacy and even gas), but I have set a goal of learning what else we can do.

I've been researching ways to save more money, and I've come up with some VERY interesting methods:

1. make our own laundry detergent (thank you Becca!)

2. make our own jar/canned goods (applesauce, pickles, etc.)

3. amazon.com grocery shopping for certain items

4. buy coupons online (pay a fraction of the price for coupons online for items we purchase on a regular basis)

I will post more as I come up with them.

parallels

2008-10-12T18:39:00.000-07:00

I have only been married just short of 6 months now, but I am amazed at how much God has taught me in such a short period of time. He has revealed sinful behaviors to me that I have either buried or just never noticed, and He has also revealed something else I'd only ever heard of and had never had the joy of experiencing before.

When Aron and I were engaged and going through premarital counseling as well as reading countless books on marriage, there was one theme we kept hearing about over and over again - that the marriage relationship between a man and a woman is a direct parallel to our relationship with God.

Our marriage has been both difficult at times and absolutely fulfilling and incredible, even euphoric sometimes. We have been learning how to treat each other, how to love each other, please each other and encourage each other to grow. We have also been learning how to apologize when we are wrong and forgive when we have been wronged.

There have been days that I've been a horrible excuse for a wife and even some days that anyone observing or speaking to me would question whether or not I'm really saved. I have been so disgusted and ashamed of my sinful actions, attitudes and words that sometimes it's hard to even believe it really is me that I'm looking at in the mirror. I have been just plain hateful and ugly, and Aron STILL manages to forgive me. He has forgiven me for things that I myself don't know if I could forgive him for if the roles were reversed.

I am in awe at Aron's ability to forgive and forget the sins I've committed against him and not to bring them up to me in the future. He truly does forgive me completely. I manage to fail him over and over and over again, and he manages to pardon me every time, no matter how badly I've hurt him. How much more does our Heavenly Father forgive and forget? It's amazing! I see how offensive I can be to another human being whom I love so deeply, and now I am even more aware of how I have been doing even worse to my Savior for the last 26 years. And He too forgives me. I am blessed beyond measure.

Recently, at one of our church's mid-week small group meetings a woman had been sharing her struggles and she said something that was so simple yet so profound it has stuck with me for weeks now. She said, "No one can love me like Jesus." How true this is, and how grateful I am.

"No one can love me like Jesus."

"Preferred Pregnant" Parking

2008-10-12T14:06:00.000-07:00

Call me an idiot, but I always thought that the "Preferred Pregnant" parking sign at Shop Rite meant that they PREFER pregnant women to park there. It was only a couple of weeks ago that I was discussing this with Aron and found out that's not what they really mean. I know... I know... it was pretty stupid of me, but what can I say?

I have to say I go to Shop Rite AT LEAST once a week, and the two "Preferred Pregnant" parking spots are ALWAYS taken. Finally, yesterday when we got there one of the spots was open. There was another spot just as close to the front door as that one and closer to where our car was stopped at that moment but I exclaimed to Aron, "Hurry! It's open! It's never open! We have to take it!" It was silly, but I can NEVER get that spot. Victory finally!

When I was about 17 and first had my driver's license I shopped for my family's groceries often. One day I saw the pregnancy spots, and I decided to take one. I didn't feel like parking on the other side of the parking lot, and I was in a rush. I saw the sign and thought, "Oh, they just PREFER you're pregnant to park here." After checking out at the register I happily wheeled my cart out the front door right to my car. I heard an old man behind me say, "She doesn't look pregnant to me." I laughed to myself reflecting on what a cranky old man he was assuming he was jealous that he had to walk further than me to get to this car.

I get it now.

I can't even count the amount of times I've come out of Shop Rite and seen women who CLEARLY weren't pregnant getting in and out of their cars in those parking spots, and it has made me angry. One thing is certain, I won't be parking there after my baby is born.

Say "YES" to Proposition 8

2008-10-08T14:01:00.000-07:00

http://cbs5.com/local/proposition.8.poll.2.834082.html

This is so encouraging. I realize that polls can convey whatever we'd like them to, but this still gives me hope. In our world today it's incredible how quickly it seems we, as a people, are headed in a downward spiral. That's why little things like this remind me that God is still preserving His people. I am grateful for that, and I am grateful to belong to Him.

I will still grieve for those who are unsaved. This also gives me a greater sense of urgency to share the Gospel with everyone I can. It's not about "winning people over." I want to see everyone I know or have ever been in contact with in Heaven with me. Just the very THOUGHT of the alternative turns my stomach.

Thank you, Jesus, for taking my place. There truly is no greater gift.

where my peace comes from

2008-10-08T13:58:00.000-07:00

"...if God has given you His only begotten Son, beware of doubting His kindness and love, in any painful providence of your daily life! Never allow yourself to think hard thoughts of God. Never suppose that He can give you anything which is not really for your good. Remember the words of Paul: ‘He who spared not His own Son—but delivered Him up for us all, how shall He not with Him also freely give us all things’ (Romans 8:32).

See in every sorrow and trouble of your earthly pilgrimage the hand of Him who gave Christ to die for your sins! That hand can never smite you except in love! He who gave His only begotten Son for you, will never withhold anything from you which is really for your good. Lean back on this thought and be content. Say to yourself in the darkest hour of trial, ‘This also is ordered by Him who gave Christ to die for my sins. It cannot be wrong. It is done in love. It must be well.’"
-JC Ryle

20 week ultrasound

2008-09-29T16:04:00.000-07:00

Well, here it is! Seeing this ultrasound was by far one of the greatest experiences I've ever had. I can't believe there's a little person inside of me. It's incredible how much a baby moves around at only 20 weeks. Our little boy/girl is VERY mobile. He/she was moving around quite a bit throughout the ultra sound. We think we may have even seen a little thumb-sucking going on!

I'm half way there. I'm pretty much used to being pregnant, but I feel like there's so little time left to prepare. There are so many things I want to read or learn about before the baby gets here. I'm going to focus on our birth plan for the time being. There's so much more involved than we ever would have thought!

Watching my baby move around on the monitor today was an overwhelming experience on so many levels. One being that it is amazing Aron and I together created a life (all by God's hand first of course). Two being that God truly does "weave" a life inside a woman. A baby first starts as just this tiny little thing. Within just a couple of weeks there's a beating heart and limbs and organs forming. It is such a beautiful and amazing process that God so intricately designed. It's just incredible. God truly has His hand in every single little detail in creating us and in our lives after we're born.

"Christmas Break" vs. "Winter Break," "Eid al-Adha" vs. "Eid al-Adha?"

2008-09-17T10:14:00.000-07:00

The purpose of this post is two-fold.

1. It is very troubling how quickly Islam is taking over the world. I knew it would happen, but I honestly didn't believe it would happen in my lifetime.

2. Why is it okay to have religious holidays for some religions and not for others?

My heart sank when I heard the local news yesterday, announcing that schools in New Jersey would be having official Muslim holidays this year. Several schools will be closed on the Muslim holidays of Eid al-Fitr (the end of the month of fasting for Ramadan) and Eid al-Adha (the end of the pilgrimage to Mecca). The schools will be closed to ALL STUDENTS. What in the world is going on here? Separation of church and state?... apparently not in NJ. I understand that there is a significant Muslim population in NJ (as well as the United States), but if we are going to break the rules for them, what about Christians?

When did this happen? It seems like I blinked my eyes for only a second, and everything changed so drastically. Growing up (only 15 years ago) this would have been unheard of.

As a child in public school in the 80's and 90's we were NOT allowed to call our holiday for Christmas "Christmas Break," and Easter had to be labelled "Spring Break." Who decided that we could have holidays/days off from school on "Rosh Hashana" and "Yom Kippur" and "Eid al-Fitr" and that it was acceptable to call them by their official names? It's just wrong and hypocritical. There's no other way to describe it.

We are a country who supposedly doesn't believe in celebrating religous holidays in school, but here we are favoring and coddling anyone who isn't a Christian. It is well known that Christmas and Easter are no longer considered "religious" by the general public. Ask most of America what they think of when they hear the word "Christmas" or "Easter," and they'll tell you they envision a fat old man in a red suit and a freakishly large bunny handing out baskets of chocolate eggs. Ask Americans think of when they hear the words "Rosh Hashana", "Yom Kippur" or "Eid al-Fitr, and I'll bet you they think of nothing but "Jewish", "Muslim" or something of that nature.

If this is acceptable where do we draw the line? There are hundreds of religions and denominations in the world today. Will we celebrate everyone's holidays? We would have to so as not to offend anyone, wouldn't we?

My husband has also informed me recently of a town in Michigan that is allowing Muslim prayers to be read throughout the day over loudspeakers throughout the city (see this link: http://www.jihadwatch.org/dhimmiwatch/archives/001658.php). Once again, if we're going to cater to one religious group in society, why not all religious groups?

Why is it that no town in this country is allowed to air Christian prayers over loudspeakers all day? The answer is more simple than one would think. This is what the one true God has predestined before the beginning of time. Our only comfort as God's chosen children is that he is in complete control. He holds the universe in the palm of His hand and knows the entire history and future of his creation from beginning to end. Although it's easy to become fearful of what this world is coming to, isn't it so exciting to know that He has a beautiful, intricate and mind-boggling plan for us, His beloved? It gives me great hope.

husbands are great.

2008-09-16T20:03:00.000-07:00

they take care of you when you don't feel well. they tuck you in when you go to bed before them. they kill the mosquitos in your bedroom that you're too afraid of even coming within ten feet of. they hold your hand when you go out together. they tease you when you whine. they wipe the tears from your eyes. and they remind you that everything's going to be okay even when you're sure it isn't.

having a husband can seem so trying at times but so worth it in the long haul. my husband is my best friend, my encouragement, my caregiver, my lover, my rest after a grueling day and my comfort in the choppy ugly sea of life. it has only been five months, and I cannot imagine life without him.

who i am

2008-09-09T06:11:00.000-07:00

I was recently looking at the testimony I had written to "rejoin" my church about two years ago, and I thought I would post it. If you want to know who I am, here it is:

When I was growing up my grandparents, Walter and Elspeth Ferrier, who I loved so dearly, along with my parents, Andy and Fiona Eskow, were phenomenal sources of wisdom, encouragement and love. I was blessed beyond belief to have people in my love who understood the unfathomable value of knowing my Lord and personal Savior. Today, the majority of parents focus on providing for their children’s physical and emotional needs. Please understand, I believe those things are very important and crucial for a child to have while they are growing up, but you know as well as I do that this is not enough training for the spiritual battleground that our souls are faced with on a daily basis. I was so blessed to be given such a gift, such a foundation. I have always believed that, and I know this is only by God’s mercy, grace and love for me as his daughter.

I was faced with plenty of torment growing up, but as a child it was easy to be strong. I knew that there was something much more vital facing me when I left this earth. I knew that the trials I was facing as a child were well worth the gift of eternal life that I had been given (once again, only by God’s grace). I had an amazing support system consisting of parents and grandparents who loved the Lord and me, not to mention my spiritual family at Church of the Covenant. Calvinettes, Sunday School, corporate worship. The fellowship of other believers became such a source of strength for me. Bible study with my grandfather throughout my teen years (often focusing on the book of Romans) is one of my most treasured memories as a teen. Every time we read Romans 7:13-25 I was reminded of my ugly heart. Paul’s words in those verses were the ever present words that had been written on my heart. Each time I read it, I felt that the book was written specifically to me. The more I read Romans, the more I was convicted and saddened at my failure and sin. My heart ached, and I was truly grieved. My Grandad and I often wept together when we read that chapter. I grew to have a deeper understanding of my sin and struggled, “warring against the law of my mind” (vs. 23). As I grew older, the spiritual revelation God gave me had only made me realize more how odious and sinful my heart were. There was so much pressure to do indulge in behaviors that were not of the Lord. There was temptation, and I soon discovered that the blissful days of childhood were fleeting. Being a young Christian woman was more difficult than I ever expected. I made mistakes, I fell flat on my face and sinned daily over and over again. I encountered long, tedious battles of spiritual warfare. My sin grieved me so, and I often had doubts about “being worthy” of Christ’s love. I went through such a horrible time for several years. Much of my sin had left me scarred and miserable, feeling worthless. I struggled for years with depression and feeling unworthy of Christ’s love. I still had my support system, my grandparents, my parents and brothers and sisters in Christ, but I felt so ashamed of who I was that it became nearly impossible for me to face my brothers and sisters in Christ. I didn’t want anyone to see how sinful my heart was. I knew I was saved, but I had doubts. How could Christ love me? How could a Father who laid down His life for me and gave me the most important gift in life, love a child who scorned Him, who slapped Him in the face on a daily basis? The fact of the matter was, I was relying on myself. I wasn’t using the support system God had provided for me. I forsook the “gathering together of the saints,” sending myself even more quickly into the downward spiral I had been headed in.

God has been so good to me. Even now, as I sit here and type the words on this page, my eyes well up with tears when I consider His endless love for me. I am His child. He chose me, not of my own merit (obviously), and my heart is overflowing today with thankfulness. For years, I have been just like Adam and Eve, hiding amongst the trees, ashamed of my sin, cowering and wishing that God wouldn’t see me, trying to “do things my way.“ In recent months, my Lord and Savior has been so incredibly merciful to me and opened my eyes to the fact that no matter how sinful, disgusting and disgraceful my heart is… I am His forever. I still weep for my sin, but I so often weep with joy now at His infinite love for me. “My cup runneth over.” I still hate my sin so much and pray for grace daily to honor God and put away my transgressions, but I realize now that there is nothing I can do to save myself. What a blessing for that revelation!

One of my favorite books has become “Principles of Conduct” by John Murray. There is a chapter that speaks of law and grace. In it Murray says, “The simple truth is that if law is conceived of as contributing in the least degree towards our acceptance with God and our justification by Him, then the gospel of grace is a nullity. And the issue is so sharply and incisively drawn that, if we rely in any respect upon compliance with law for our acceptance with God, then Christ will profit us nothing.” Grace is not a nullity; God’s grace has saved me. Praise God!! I am His, and He is mine. “For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God” (Eph. 2:8,9).

Look at my BABY! (17 weeks and counting)

2008-09-09T05:40:00.000-07:00

Look at my BABY! He or she has ears, eyes, toes and fingers. It's so hard to believe. Our little boy or girl is growing at an amazingly high speed. I've woken up the last few days (especially this morning) with a bit of a sore abdomen; I can feel that my belly is stretching and growing everyday.

I've never had a baby before so as far as knowing what fetal movement feels like I guess I can't really be too sure. But I have to say I thought I felt a very distinct "jump" in my tummy last week. It was awesome. Two nights ago I was lying in bed, and I felt a lot of flutters so..... I guess it's happening!

Feeling your child move inside you for the first time is so surreal. Honestly, in the first few months of my pregnancy sometimes it was hard to believe there was a little person growing inside of me (aside from the evidence of feeling exhausted and nauseous). It is truly a gift from God that He allows us to feel our child's movement inside of us. He didn't have to design it that way, but He did. What a blessing!

Lord willing, we have 5 more months to go. Then Daddy, baby and I will all finally be able to meet face to face. I can't even begin to fathom what that will be like, but I DO know that I can't wait until the day comes.

10 weeks and 5 days

2008-07-23T07:28:00.000-07:00

I am relieved to say that I haven't thrown up once. I've been really nauseous most of the time, not to mention exhausted. I still feel relatively well though. I'm very fortunate.

I think the hardest part is that I don't feel like myself lately. I'm sure it's just a pregnancy thing, and it's completely worth it. It's just hard....I feel kind of out of place. This might not make sense, but that's how it is.

Happy Birthday to me!!

2008-07-23T07:25:00.000-07:00

I found out I was pregnant june 11, 2008. What a birthday present! I began tossing and turning around 2:30 am. (The doctor told me to take the test first thing in the morning. Apparently the first urine sample of the day will give the most accurate reading). 5:30 rolled around, and I bounced out of bed. Aron heard me and tiredly mustered up the words, "Test time?" I peed on the stick and said, "I'm not.....uh...wait....I think I am. Wait! Am I reading this right? I don't understand!" By then Aron made it to the bathroom, looked at the test and said, "Hunny, that's a very distinct blue plus. You're pregnant." We were shocked! He went downstairs and brought up the flowers he'd brought me the day before to give me for my birthday. (That sneaky, wonderful man!) We laid in bed for a couple of hours and then prayed together with Aron's hand on my tummy. It was surreal. Of course a few minutes later i took the second test (I just had to be SURE). There was another distinct blue plus.